Hi all. So I’m still on this cold brew journey without success. I’ve never been a straight black coffee person so this may be part of the problem but I did once (ONCE) make a good batch I could drink black. I’ve never been able to replicate it. AFTER that batch I got serious and now I measure everything and take notes.
I’m about to give up cuz I can’t make a batch that’s drinkable unless I put cream and sugar-lots. It’s always bitter or bland.
So on to my wussy-ness. Could someone give me an exact recipe to try? Exactly: Brand of coffee ( from a grocery store-Mariano’s/trader joe/jewel/Aldi ). Grind level- I have oxo burr. Amount of coffee and water ( not ratios). Amount of brew time. I have a toddy, mason jars, and doppelgänger mesh bags.
I hope if I do this it will give me a measuring stick on future brews.
Thank you!

I currently have several carboys (both 1 gallon and 1/2 gallon) as well as a few 1.4 gallon big mouth bubblers, and some 1/2 mason jars for brewing small batches. I’m looking into making some larger batches and am considering a stainless steel conical fermenter (I’m looking at the Anvil Crucible 7 gallon fermenter) but haven’t seen much about people making mead with it, does anyone have any experience with this fermenter with mead? TBH I’m worried about using glass for large batches.

Hello, community. I come to you with a question you might as well not be able to even answer.
I have some sort of disordered eating - that is, I genuinely feel hunger 24/7, even if I stuff myself. The crux of this issue lies within the fact I haven't had any sugary sweets for a long time. Almost a year now. I adopted a keto diet protocol for weight loss and liked it so much I thought to keep it as a lifestyle. Around December though, something weird happened (this was also some time after I finished with weightloss). It's as if a switch flipped. I completely stopped feeling satiation which was replaced by unending hunger. I tried to control it a bit, but to no avail. At this point I've gained over 40 pounds since december. I had multiple days where I ate 10k+ calories a day, multiple pounds in volume. There were times where I was crying due to still being hungry but feeling like my stomach is about to blow and as such having to stop.
And this is without a lick of processed foods. Everything ketogenic, at this point borderline carnivore.
Just yesterday I ate: 400g of 70/30 ground pork 5 eggs 150g of ghee - by the spoon 500g of turkey meat fried in 100g of lard 300g of mackerel
The day before yesterday: Over 2 pounds of ground beef, 80/20 Over 2 pounds of 70/30 pork 250g of ghee by the spoon 200g of regular butter by the spoon
Before you ask what I do with the excess fat from frying - I unironically drink it. In hopes my body will go like "NO, THE TOILET IT IS", as I read it happens with people who consume fats in excess. Apparently there's no excess for my body. Some time ago I even ate a jar of coconut oil straight. The unrefined kind, so there's not even a place for the "flavor" excuse. It was just pure fat.
I have no emotional triggers or anything of the sort, my body fat obviously isn't on the low levels especially anymore. It's just constant ravenous hunger that I can't stop. I have no idea what happened and I can't stop.
And don't get me wrong, I unironically love those foods and don't miss the things I used to eat years ago. As mentioned, I was on this way of eating for quite a bit before something... "Broke".
I'm not feeling like I'm not energised or anything like that either, as of now I still feel like I'm in prime health. It's just a pure unending sensation of hunger that never stops, no matter what and how much I eat. Also have done bloodwork for my endocrinologist in hopes that'll say something - nah. Thyroid is pristine, levels of everything in the blood are pristine, even cholesterol.
I'm posting this here in hopes and condolences if anybody else was found dealing with this problem and whether some kind of solution was found. As mentioned, the doctors around here at best look at me funny, so I can't count on any ozempics or the like even though I wish I could. At this point I'm unironically considering going abroad and seeking healthcare elsewhere because this is becoming unbearable. I don't want to spend the rest of my life hungry.

Hello, DevylBear Hawkturion here with this frustrating conundrum. I had a 4-10 shift tonight (just got off, about to enjoy my 3-day reprieve despite being already steamed). Work was slow to moderate to slow to fast to slow, but that's not what I was thinking. It's basically this, I had to do some drive-thru closing procedures (refill cups&lids, wipe the holding table, clean the ice-tea dispensers, etc.) but with a couple of exceptions, namely both the shake and soft serve machines. Right when I about to finish the list, I get a bunch of people coming through to order their items near the last 20 minutes. Already I was overwhelmed by the range of orders from some simple meals and snacks to a over 40 dollar overload (it might be good for business, BUT SERIOUSLY, when my work is nowhere near normal [they should've maybe gone to a grocery store, IMHO] it considered a crutch to my time needed to complete my closing tasks).
Even worse, my frustrations, despite being told to "fake smile", will take over me that I had 1 customer tell me to be a little polite , which I said I would consider it despite wanting to to him that maybe if he was in my shoes he might not want to give me advice (the reason being that I'm emotionally crippled due a hurtful childhood past I didn't even want. This ended up with me being on SSI for my rent, a limit on work time [18 hrs a week, over that limit, I get paperwork, which is too much stress😬]).

 But eventually I ended telling the last car that came 2 minutes before closing we're closed, completed two orders, had finally washed, rinsed and sanitized the dispensers for the ice-tea, and put the soft drink nozzles in the sanitizer bucket. All of which took me 7 minutes past my clock out time, writing this on Reddit as we speak. Anyone whom works in food service, QSR or not, how would you try to do your limited closing tasks and get people what they want without them seeing your pent-up anger 🤬 on their what I felt was mistimed arrival? Any suggestions will be great! 

In almost 6 years of heavy dating app usage and flirting with women on social media, I haven't gotten a single date or even the slightest bit of interest. It was so extreme that I went into a psychosis that I am undesirable and have no value.
Last year, I finally met women in real life and got to socialize with them for a few weeks (beyond just a "hello" or wave goodbye). Almost all of them showered me in compliments, telling me I'm so handsome, cute, my hair is beautiful, that they like my dressing style and voice. I even got a pretty girl's phone number and she tried to kiss me!
​
... Going from being treated online like I'm last place on the global male dating scale to in real life, women practically throwing themselves at me! I don't know why there's such a drastic difference in dating experience online VS real life but I concluded women see very attractive, perfect men everywhere online and they get desensitized to it so when they meet a normal charming guy on the internet he seems like absolutely nothing special.
This is why whenever I see men complaining about it being difficult to impress and woo women, I tell them to just put down their phone and go outside. Meet women in real life! Your results may not be like mine but with some work you can too be a ladies man!
​
Some tips and advice I can give are...
- Take care of yourself hygiene-wise: trim/shave your beard every morning, brush your teeth after every meal, wash your face once to twice a day (especially in the morning), use wet wipes on your private parts after using the bathroom and also just randomly a few times throughout the day, invest in good quality deodorant, iron your clothes, do not wear clothing with stains, trim your nose/ear hairs, file your fingernails/toenails, wash your hands every few hours (obviously, every time you use the bathroom or before you eat, as well), use mouthwash twice a day, avoid foods like onion (will create lingering, hard to get rid off stinky breath), go to barbershops to get your split ends cut and the back of your neck hairs shaped, take care of your lips and feet, drink at least 6 cups of water a day but 2 liters to a gallon is perfect, etc...
- Dress stylish: It's OK to follow trends (even though I'd recommend developing your own taste and style), just don't be a slave to them. Make sure your clothes properly fit, investing in a personal tailor would be great if you can afford it. Dress your age, don't dress like a swagged out 15 year old at age 35. Learn how to properly layer things like necklaces, suspenders/belts, hats, eye wear, jewelry, overcoats, vests. Invest in clothing made of good material like 100% wool, silk, satin, denim, genuine leather (your whole wardrobe doesn't have to be this premium). Be mindful of your mannerisms and posture. Be yourself.
- Sense of humor: Learn about the history of the arts of comedy. Watch movies that are classical and staples of the comedy genre like Austin Powers series, Fido, Super Bad, Scott Pilgrim VS The World, American Pie, Harold & Kumar Goes to White Castle, Dumb & Dumber, Dude Where's My Car, Grandma's Boy, Goodburger, Joe's Apartment, Scary Movie 2, etc. Watch them for enjoyment and also study material just to understand the different cultures, techniques, deliveries, styles and "science of comedy". Watch the behind the scenes footage and learn about the processes of coming up with jokes and the making of a comedy. This will broaden and advance your sense of humor and at the very least give you more of an understanding of what's funny and what CAN be funny!
​
- Intelligence: Read as much as possible, even if it's just the ingredients on the back of a bag of chips your eating. Broaden your vocabulary; whenever you see a word you don't know the meaning of online, google search the definition then use it a few times in a comment or piece of writing. Watch/read into the behind the scenes of any piece of entertainment media content you consume rather it be a video game or a song by one of your favorite artists. Listen to podcasts as you eat, walk or workout instead of music. Another notable tip: Invent your own swagger of talking. Don't use all the same expressions, phrasing and slang everyone else is using!
- Physical appearance: Exercise at least 4 days per week and think twice about everything you eat and drink. If you do not have time to exercise at least 4 days a week, try walking to destinations more instead of taking your car all the time (or you can bike). Drink at least 6 cups of water per day but your goal should be 2 liters to 1 gallon. Stretch daily or at least create a morning stretching routine, lasting about 15 minutes a day and place your computer monitor higher so you're forced to sit back in your chair, with your head rested and tilted back. This will help your walking/sitting/standing posture long term.
... And most IMPORTANTLY be polite.
Spend time learning new ways to be kind and nurturing to yourself and everyone around you! Challenge yourself everyday to be kind, even when provoked or upset. Train yourself to stay composed and calm even in the most intense situations. Try your best to be positive and see the light side of everything! Be patient and understanding of everyone's struggles and life choices, no matter how they make you feel. Get better at communicating your emotions and setting boundaries, respectfully!

My family (including an 18 month old) is currently staying with my parents due to our house reno. My dad gets drinking water from the water store in those 2-3 gallon reusable blue water jug/bottle.
In our recent pediatrician visit for our kid, the Dr. asked what kind of filter or water we have at home since he just wants to make sure our kid drinks water with fluoride in it. It makes me wonder if the water that you get from the water store has fluoride in it?

Hello fellow breaktakers/quitters,
Context (not necessary, but maybe helpful): I have been using weed for 4 years now about daily with 2 week to 1 month breaks maybe once a year. Recently in efforts to better my long term health I switched to eating only edibles and and have quit my days of toking (maybe on new years haha). However, I learned hard that edibles tolerance builds fast and i was stupid eating those 500mg packs (a lot of fun tho). As of the past two weeks I eat 50mg 1:1 THC:CBD daily nightly. I also thought I had a drug test a few weeks back (turns out was a scam, I didnt lose anything tho I realized quick, quit eddies for a week) so i quit immediately. However, I do not ever have an easy time quitting, i'm quite prone to panic attacks and weeds been helping with that. One of my streams of income is day trading and maintaining a good state of mind by removing bias and emotion is key in order for me to stay successful. I have a job starting in Aug/Sept (It is unknown to me!!!) and for long reasons I will not know if i will be drug tested and honestly weed's great but i honestly just want to pass and get clean, i want to see how long it takes with my body and activity level (23, 155lbs, 6' 3", vegetarian, male, 9-12% bodyfat, 1hr-2hr walks daily, 3-4x murphs a week (2 mile run (i bike 5 mi), 100 pullup, 200 pushup, 300 pullup)).
I want to find a way to quit THC cold turkey but in a way where i'm not completely losing my appetite and mainly having panic attacks (i can deal with my general anxiety, but panic attacks is my hope to not have) as this effects trading. I won't lose money as I probably just wont trade, but who doesnt like some extra money haha. I heard CBG CAN help with appetite so i definitely want to try because i cant workout without eating. CBD, well cbd is great and i've heard H4CBD is semi feeling like THC but isnt??? (correct me on this, if you feel this has a significant THC amount in it or is unsafe also let me know)
Here are the links, they all have the reports and say they dont have THC in it: https://cannaclear.com/product/bulk-cbg-isolate/ https://cannaclear.com/product/bulk-cbd-isolate/ https://cannaclear.com/product/bulk-h4cbd-distillate/
I want to create 2 Tinctures: 1:1 CBG:CBD for daytime use and 1:1 CBD:H4CBD for evening/night use
Im quitting for about 12 weeks, ideally I would use this for 5-8 weeks weening off (quitting thc cold turkey in 3 days).
I am planning to order
5 grams CBG 10 grams CBD 5 grams H4CBD
1st Tincture gets 5 grams CBG 5 grams CBD: 10,000mg total~ 2nd Tincture gets 5 grams CBD 5 grams H4CBD: 10,000mg total~
I am ordering: https://www.amazon.com/Refillable-bottling-Dispensing-Pipettes-Essential/dp/B07B9422YW/ref=sr_1_10?keywords=large+dropper+bottle&qid=1685500897&sr=8-10 22 Pack 1oz Tincture Bottle with Measured Eye Dropper, Empty 30ml
Meaning tincture 1 will have room up to 11 oz 311,845 mg... and same with tincture 2... plenty of room Roughly each bottle can hold 25000mg total volume.
I want the math and ratio to be easy so assume I want 5000mg x 1 bottles per tincture. 1 5000mg 1:1 2500mgCBD:2500mgCBG tincture 1 5000mg 1:1 2500mgCBD:2500mgH4CBD tincture I want 100ml (volume) -10ml 10000mg which is (isolates per bottle 5000mg 5g 5ml each) = 90ml of coconut mct oil, 180 ml total oil.
I plan to make it with one tincture container 90 ml Coconute mct oil 5 grams CBD 5 grams CBG - ingredients (lol) , put oil in jar , seal. put in a ziploc and submerge it in warm/hot water and let it warm up for better absorption?? (reccs?), wait 5 minutes, put in 10 grams of CBG and CBG, shake, and let submerge in the warm/hot water and mix it
same with batch 2.
This will net yield me 90ml mct oil + 10ml isolates = 1000ml of tincture/ per blend 1ml of either tincture will yield 1ml * 1ml isolate/100ml vol of tincture = a staggering 0.1ml isolate 1:1, or 0.05ml each or for even better understanding 100mg of 1:1 50mg each. I wrote this in the intent not to only help myself, but hopefully for future users who want to dabble into an alternative to weed.
Please let me know if any or if all of this looks wrong. Thanks.

A little about my story. I've always had an addictive personality. Started smoking cigarettes at 15 and what not. I joined the Marines and got married and got myself addicted to fetynal back in 2016. I kicked that on my own and started smoking weed. By 2017 I was smoking from the moment I opened my eyes until I closed them again. Since then I got divorced and went through a lot got myself kicked out of the marines and moved back to a state where weed isn't legal. So of course I started drinking heavily. Unfortunately I'm super high functioning and kept getting promoted at work and even have been pulled over many times while so drunk I could barely see straight but no one ever suspects a thing. I kept getting away with it so I kept drinking. After the pandemic I started going to another state and buying hundreds of dollars of weed to bring home and have been doing both now for a couple years. 2 years ago I started throwing up blood from some ulcers and damage that the acid was causing to the lining of my throat. That was enough for me to stop for a while. Obviously I picked it back up and kept drinking and smoking on the daily. I truly didn't know the definition of heavy drinking and didn't realize I was a heavy drinker even though I could down a gallon of vodka in a day and carried a water bottle full of the stuff everywhere I went. Flash to a month ago I started passing out and ending up in the ER. They wanted to treat me but wouldn't if I didn't stop drinking. (Because it would effect the meds) It wasn't hard. Not smoking was a lot harder and I didn't eat and barely slept for a week straight. I'm strong willed and I have no desire to go back to that life but everyone here is saying that this feeling won't last. Should I be worried? Should I go to meetings? I don't like talking to people and I feel like putting me in a room with people and their problems might actually make me want to drink again. Lol Everyone here seems cool so what do you guys think?

I brought out a cup for me to use as a pencil holder. My dad went to touch it (to tell me how my choice was wrong and should use a mason jar) and I just yanked it out of his reach. I didn't want to clean it after he touched it even though I'm not drinking from it. It was so embarrassing :(

SO. I have had really bad luck buying organic soil & compost & ending up with buggy soil once we use it & it gets wet. Lots of issues with soil mites (i know they are not all bad but they sure multiply quickly and i don’t like the crawling soil) as well as fungus gnats & fruit flies. We also have a lot of mayflies in our area. I started pasteurizing both prior to using for potted plants and //small// raised beds / larger plant containers (pasteurizing specifically for seedlings too cause I’ve had issues w blight). Recently I used the boiling water method and had some issues…
I’ve used a stock pot & mason jars on the stove before and covered to steam (while checking temp periodically) but my biggest issue there is 1.) I don’t have anything to hold the jars so if they aren’t quite fitting together tight enough they float and are difficult to deal with and 2.) even using larger pickle jars I can only do so much at a time.
The other method I’ve done is using a pillowcase / cotton bag for the soil/compost, heating water to a certain temp & pouring it into a container over the bagged soil/compost. Then I cover it with foil and let it cool down from there. This method worked really well for coco coir because it was light and easy to dry / squeeze water out of. I did NOT like this method for the compost - it was sooo stinky & so gross to squeeze water out of even with gloves & it still in its pillowcase. Also, the water is super dark and smelly so I can’t just pour it in the yard. The compost did not smell when I did it slightly damp in jars on the stove. I now have grody dark compost (cow 💩) water that I need to dump somewhere and I still have wet compost that needs to dry. I’m concerned about laying it on trays like I do with soil/coco coir because the smell is totally going to attract bugs - and those guys laying eggs in my pasteurized compost is the exact opposite of what I want.
Any suggestions on a better way to do this with the compost? I don’t have the $$ to get a pressure cooker or anything extra special for it. I just need to figure out how to do this easier. At the moment I bought cheap $1-3in deep tin baking trays with clear plastic lids - thought maybe if I poke holes in the lid & get the compost in the sun, the holes will help the moisture escape without letting all the flyers back in to lay eggs. I can’t keep hand squeezing poo water out of compost 😭 also super gross but for the dark water that I now have sitting in a bucket - do I just dump it somewhere or is it good for use diluted in water..??? It might reek too much for me to deal with but figured I’d ask about that too.
Would love some suggestions 🥴 💩🌱

Hi everyone, I'm a FTM and have found the community here so wonderful. I would truly appreciate any feedback on anything I'm missing or should remove! We do plan on having 3 kids so some of the items are more of a splurge/investment ie. Artipoppe Baby Carrier, Tripp Trapp.
Strollers & Car Seats

• Cybex Gazelle S Stroller Modular Double Stroller
• Nuna PIPA RX Car Seat & Base

Nursery Furniture

• HALO BassiNest 3.0 Baby Bassinet
• IKEA Sniglar Crib

Nursery Bedding & Essentials

• QuickZip Crib Sheet Set
• NATUREPEDIC Organic 2-Stage Mattress & Cover Bundle

Feeding

• Regular Mouth Mason Jar 8 oz [Set of 12]
• Mason Bottle Silicone Nipples: Slow Flow for 0-3 Months
• Masontops Tough Band - Regular Mouth Mason Jar Screw Bands
• Plastic REGULAR Mouth Mason Jar Lids [18 Pack]
• Tripp Trapp High Chair
• Stokke ® Tripp Trapp® Newborn Set
• green sprouts Stay-dry Baby Bibs (10 pack)
• Synrroe Muslin Burp Cloths 4 Pack Large 20" by 10"
• Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow® Anti-Colic Options+™ Narrow Glass Baby Bottles 4 oz/120 mL, with Level 1 Slow Flow Nipple, 2 Pack, 0m+
• Dr. Brown's Reusable Sponge Baby Bottle Cleaning Brush
• Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow Preemie Flow Narrow Baby Bottle Silicone Nipple, Slowest Flow, 0m+, 100% Silicone Bottle Nipple, 6 Pack

Nursing

• SILVERETTE XL
• haakaa Colostrum Collector Set
• haakaa Manual Breast Pump Collector
• Boppy Nursing Pillow
• Lansinoh Soothies Cooling Gel Pads
• Motherlove Nipple Cream
• Natural Cocoon – We Are Amma

Diapering

• The Honest Company Clean Conscious Diapers
• Ubbi Steel Diaper Pail
• Triple Paste Diaper Rash Cream
• A+D Original Diaper Rash Ointment
• Hatch Baby Grow Smart Changing Pad and Scale

Bathing

• Skip Hop Bath Spout Cover
• HIPHOP PANDA Bamboo Hooded Baby Towel
• Angelcare Baby Bath Support
• Pottery Barn Gingham Washcloths

Health & Baby Care

• Nanit Pro Smart Baby Monitor & Floor Stand
• Ninni Co Breastfeeding Promoting Pacifier
• Exergen Temporal Scan Forehead Artery Baby Thermometer
• OCCObaby Baby Nasal Aspirator
• Safety 1st Steady Grip Infant Nail Clipper

Activity & Gear

• Fisher-Price Baby Playmat
• BABYBJÖRN Bouncer
• Boppy Baby Carrier
• Artipoppe Tweed BW Zeitgeist Baby Carrier

Toys & Books

• Infantino Link & Go Activity Pals

Baby Clothing

• Love to Dream Swaddle UP Self-Soothing Sleep Sack 8-13 lbs
• Love to Dream Swaddle UP Self-Soothing Sleep Sack 13-19 lbs

Other

• Retrospec Luna Exercise Ball
• Red Light Therapy Panel

I was listening to Andy Frisella’s podcast today and realized that not only have I failed today but I failed along time ago.
As part of this cleansing diet I selected I have to do a 24 hour coconut water fast. Me being undisciplined I thought I can just drink a gallon of coconut water.
To add insult to injury I freshly squeeze lime into a Quart of warm water (to boost my metabolism) every morning. I’ve been counting this quart to the gallon.
I feel like shit and angry with myself on not reading the rules in its entirety when I chose to jump into this. I won’t live with myself if I don’t start over and finish this right way.
Highly upset at the moment but as a redditor once said under a comment here - “Yeah it’s disheartening, but imagine how great you look on day 126.”
So here we fucking go. Goodbye summer hello take 2.

I bought a few 2.5 gallon bottles of drinking water but placed them on the ground doused with this insecticide the night before. Could the organophosphate penetrate and get into the water? I’m not sure what kind of plastic those bottles are made from

Nettie Peterson has known me at my best and at my worst, and after everything that's happened lately, I think I can finally say the same. I'm admittedly not very good at comforting her, though. I haven't had much practice, is all. Historically speaking, she's always been the one to take care of me. My introduction to earth was a confusing, horrifying time for me, and she had dealt with all of it. She'd handled every panic attack, brought me back from every low. When I woke up one night to a drilling pain in my stomach and blood soaking my panties, she managed to keep me calm while explaining that this would now happen every month.
What I'm saying is that the woman is insanely skilled.
Me, not so much. After we had gotten out of the cave, I tried to provide emotional support by petting her hair and talking soothingly. Seeing as I was also distressed, she was doing the same to me, so we were basically sitting on the beach holding each other. To the outside observer, we must have looked rather strange. I was relieved to finally get back to her house. We sat down in front of the TV and ate cupcakes. We have a special system for eating cupcakes. I peel off the frosting and give her rest. It's messy and I have to keep hand wipes nearby everytime, but it's how we do it. We both eat cupcakes whole when we're by ourselves, so it doesn't make much sense either, but when we share, it's always like this.
Once I was sure she was alright, I left her to go off to bed while I made my way back to the hotel, bracing myself for what I expected to be an extremely uncomfortable conversation.
The lobby was dim and quiet. The large, bright ceiling lights had been turned off with only a couple floor lamps illuminating the hall. I walked past the unmanned reception desk and up the stairs, then rapped my knuckles against the door to Frankie's room. After a couple seconds, he opened up. Upon meeting my gaze, he let out a soft gasp, but it wasn't followed by a smile this time. He made way for me to step inside, wordlessly, and I entered without breaking the silence. I sat down on the sofa where he joined me after placing a glass of coconut water in front of me.
For a beat, we both stared at the drink. I didn't take it.
"What you did felt really off earlier," I began. "You were trying to embarrass Nettie. If you were testing your boundaries, if you were trying to see how I'd react, you got your answer. Don't ever make me choose between you two. You'll lose."
"Yes," he said quietly.
"If you don't get along with Nettie, that's one thing. You don't need to. But she was needling you and you made a real effort to be cruel." I paused. "You act so strange sometimes. All bossy and cagey."
"Yes," he repeated, briefly falling silent as he worked away on his gum in slow, contemplative motions. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I wanted to unsettle her. It's not that I don't like her, she's fine, but at that moment, I simply loathed her. I couldn't tell you why. But I wish I'd kept quiet. I feel gross for spouting off like that."
"Then… why?"
"I don't know! There's this weird feeling, it comes over me and makes me remember stuff that's in the past… Then I get caught up and confused. I run my mouth, but I don't want to make you upset. I swear I won't do it again. I'll rein myself in."
"Will you? This doesn't seem right." I took a deep breath. "Frankie, I have no idea what you are. Even though you know everything about me."
"Not everything," he argued. "You never said a thing about what life was like where you're from. Or who you were before. Yes, that's not what this is about, but I'm just speaking technically."
"You shouldn't have to rely on technicalities to make a point."
"No. Look, I keep wondering what I'm even doing here. I like you a lot. But I haven't thought this through and by now, I'm scared to."
"Stop talking in riddles," I implored him.
He huffed out a chuckle. "I'd have to stop thinking in them first." Before he could add anything else, his phone started vibrating on the TV table. "Oh, dammit," he muttered. Shooting me an uncertain gaze, he reached out for it, his hand hovering above the screen. "Can I?"
"Sure." I let go of a long breath, snatched up the glass and leaned back in my seat as Frankie answered the call. I pick up on a woman's voice talking on the other end.
He kept glancing over at me almost sheepishly as he mumbled words of affirmation into the phone. "Yes… Yeah, I remember… Well, it's not a good time, but I'll do it. Bye." Dropping the device into his lap, he gave me a twist of the mouth. "That was Mae-Lynn. She works at—"
"The diner with you," I cut him off. "I do take note of the other staff there, for your information." I took a sip of my water. "Occasionally."
"I promised to do some shopping for her. She's come down with the flu. Store's closing soon, though, so I'll have to go now."
"Well, that's convenient."
"I was going to ask you to come along."
I agreed. Having lost track of the conversation, the drive was a grim, quiet affair. Frankie took us to one of the more expensive stores in the area, saying that he wanted to treat Mae-Lynn.
"Take a cart," I ordered, and once he had acquired one, I had him hold it still while I climbed inside. He regarded me with a bemused expression but refrained from commenting as he began to roll me down the aisles.
Grocery shopping at night is something else. Eighties music was playing over the radio at a low volume, but the otherwise quiet space made it sound decidedly louder. There was almost the hint of an echo. Safe for two of three singular, tired-looking individuals, Frankie and I were the only people in the store. I had nestled against the back of the cart, my head tipped back to watch Fran's face from below as his eyes roamed the shelves. Occasionally, he'd stop to check the list Mae-Lynn had texted him on his phone.
"If you want anything, speak up," he told me.
"I'm out of cereal," I said, just as we passed the respective aisle. He turned the cart back around, let me pick out a carton of cornflakes and took up walking again. After five minutes of stoically regarding him from my mobile vantage point, I piped up again. "Go back. Wrong ones."
"Well, which ones do you want? I'll get them, it's faster than pushing this thing around."
I shook my head. "No, no, I have to look at them. Go back."
He shook his head to himself but obediently maneuvered the cart back to the shelf with the breakfast items. I took my time picking out a different box, then settled back down.
"Happy?" Fran asked.
"Delighted."
After fifteen minutes, we were getting close to finishing Mae-Lynn's list. Frankie was starting to move towards the cash register, only for me to tug on his arm. "Turn back," I told him, holding up the box. "I don't want them after all. I need different ones."
He stifled a groan. "Sure, Sunshine." I let him roll me all the way back to the cereal aisle where I studied the colorful boxes intensely. "Nevermind," I said, turning back to him. "Let's go."
He started making his way over to the register again when I cleared my throat. "Actually, I think I might have another look."
"Are you kidding me?" he squeaked, only for me to hold his gaze with a smile. "You are," he choked out. "I oughta send you rolling right into that stack of cans."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Is that a challenge?" He glanced about himself, finding that we were alone. Then, he pushed the cart, and it swerved, sliding across the shiny floor. The thrill of the launch washed over me and I started laughing. He lunged for it, grabbing it just in time to prevent the collision.
"Do it again!" I demanded.
He indulged me, sending me swerving and spinning a couple more times. Eventually, he took a running start and pushed me down a long, empty aisle at a breakneck speed. The giggles died in my throat when, seemingly out of thin air, someone appeared at the end of the aisle. My jaw dropped and I reflexively gripped the sides of the cart to protect myself from the impending crash, but the person simply reached out and caught the cart by its edges. Within the blink of an eye, they had managed to steady it. My vehicle had come to a standstill. It all happened incredibly fast, and for a moment, I found myself unable to react. One of the other person's hands had come to rest over mine in the process. Still at a loss for words, I raised my head to meet their gaze.
Those eyes.
My heart, already thundering in my chest, dropped entirely into my stomach. There were pupils filling the void in that formerly uninterrupted pale vastness this time, but I recognized them either way. Seeing them sit in an actual face instead of behind a nondescript black mask was strange, but there was not a doubt in my mind. It was them.
The cultist had jarringly pleasant features that struck me as neither overtly feminine nor masculine. Their tawny skin had an almost bronze sheen to it and short locks of platinum blond hair stuck to their smooth forehead, slick with the same sweat that formed stains beneath the armpits of their light gray t-shirt.
It was like time stood still. The interaction could not have been longer than two seconds in total, but it felt like a full hour. From me staring at our linked hands, to locking eyes with them, to the cold, raw realization, it seemed to me as though forty minutes or more had gone by, followed by another twenty when I watched the crude smile forming on their lips. Their fingers clamped down on my own, and before I knew it, it had happened.
The lights in the store had changed color, taking on a dimmer, sickly green tint. The shelves around us had emptied and the gentle, melodic hum of the radio had been replaced by a deep, droning buzz of static. I was still sitting in the shopping cart, and the cultist was still leaning over me, but their expression had morphed into one of shocked disbelief. Seeing fear on the face of the person who'd stabbed me might have been a great satisfaction to me in any other situation, but right then and there, I was equally as terrified.
I had switched dimensions and was now alone with my attempted murderer.
The thought took a while to sink in, but the clearer it became, the more I felt the need to scream. And yet, not a sound left my lips. My own saliva had turned sour, filling my mouth with an acidic taste. Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach like icy, chilled water and tears were stringing the corners of my eyes. I blinked them away in a hurry, redirecting my gaze at the cultist. They were staring past me in a daze, taking in our changed surroundings before fixing me with a sharp glare.
"Seriously?"
"What?" The word somehow slipped past the lump in my throat.
The cultist made a sweeping gesture at our surroundings. "Where are we? What the hell is this? You don't even have your dimension hopping under control? Not gonna lie, I had higher expectations of you."
"What?" I repeated eloquently.
"You just switched dimensions on my ass. And seeing as you literally crashed into me, I don't think you planned on doing that."
"I didn't," I confirmed.
"That's what I'm talking about."
"You know about dimensions?"
The cultist palmed their face, emitting a deep, low groan. "Clearly."
I scrambled back in the cart, trying to bring some distance between the two of us. I bared my teeth at them, both rows elongating and curving outward. At least I was getting the hang of my physical transformation. "If you come any closer, I'll rip your hand off," I hissed, spittle flying out between my fangs.
"I believe you," they replied, narrowing their eyes at me. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"That's hard for me to believe."
"Yes, sure. I did and I would again, but not here. Not now. You understand?" they asked pointedly, their voice cutting like a razor blade.
"I'm not sure I do."
"Well, without you, I won't get out of here, and I've stuff to do on the other side." They stepped behind the cart and grabbed onto the handle.
I hastily twisted around to face them. "You know about the finer details of dimension hopping but you can't do it yourself?"
They let out a soft sigh as they began pushing the cart, with me inside, down the empty aisle. "I managed to do it once. Just once. Never again. It's not a great surprise to me that you should be able to switch to the other sides, but I'd thought you'd be able to control it. I think I have your number. I'm pretty sure I know what you are, and we have more in common than you could have probably guessed. That boy you were with on the other hand… I won't lie, he freaks me out. He's got the strangest face and he didn't react to my eyes at all."
"What are you?" I queried, quick to steer him away from the topic of Frankie Preston even though I didn't really expect an honest answer. "How'd you do that the other night? Your… your eye thing?"
"That unsettled you, didn't it? It's not anything I do per se." They shrugged leisurely. "I could just as well ask you where you're hiding your tentacles."
"So you're not human. I didn't think you were," I stated. "What's your business with the Collective? What are you after? Are any of you normal people?"
"As far as I know, I'm the only one who's not." They steered the cart around the corner with a swift, forcible yank and I bumped painfully against the side of the cart. Stifling a yelp, I kept my face straight, looking over the shelves as we passed them. I noticed that some of them weren't entirely empty—there were a couple jars, cans and bags of various goods standing scattered throughout. They looked almost lonely. The cultist, registering my wandering gaze, stopped and grabbed a random plastic jar that looked like it could be containing peanut butter or something of the sort. The label was faded and partially peeled off. They inspected it from all sides before thrusting it into my hands. "Here, open it," they commanded.
"I certainly won't," I replied, a mix of rage and apprehension bubbling in my chest.
"Aren't you curious?"
"No. But if you are, go on and open it yourself."
They grunted, grabbing the jar and unscrewing the red lid. They dropped it to the floor where it bounced off once and rolled away into the darkness. Peering in, their expression remained unchanged. "Nothing. Look." They held it out to me and sure enough, it was empty. I let them hand it to me, intrigue winning me over as I started examining the small container. It was completely unremarkable. I reached two of my fingers inside only for the digits to suddenly be stricken with a searing pain. It flashed through my bones like lightning and I cried out, withdrawing my hand. Suddenly, the floor seemed to quiver. The lights in the store flickered, seeming startlingly bright for a split second only to turn dimly green once more. The cultist let out an involuntary shriek, staggering back before managing to steady themself as everything went back to its former solid state.
"What the fuck was that?" they wheezed.
"An earthquake?" I suggested, not quite knowing what else to say. My pulse was thrumming in my ears, hard enough to split my head in half. It took me a minute to regain a relative state of calm.
"An earthquake? In another dimension? You're messing with me."
"I don't know! Maybe it was… maybe I was nearly jumping back, I have no idea." I shook my head, ignoring the throbbing pain shooting through my temples. "I don't have it all figured out yet, but it's an emotional response. Whenever my flight instinct gets triggered, these dimension switches happen. It was the jar. The jar is painful inside."
"What do you mean?" they asked, eagerly reaching for the jar and sticking their pinky finger into it. They pulled it back out with a howl, letting the jar drop to the floor. "What the hell is up with this place?"
"How would I know?" I argued hotly.
"Yeah, well. Anyways." All of a sudden, their hand was in my hair, tugging on my braid. They yanked my head to the side, and before I could break out my tentacles or try to snap my jaws at them, I could feel their hot breath on my nape. A scream died in my throat, equal parts painful and shocked. My eyes burned, my vision swimming when the cultist dragged their teeth across my skin, leaving a trail of warm saliva. And then, fast and without mercy, they bit down.
The lights turned bright white. The static buzzing that had been hanging in the stale air changed to the familiar eighties music tunes. Squinting into the sudden brightness, the colors of the countless types of packaged products filling the shelves almost seemed to be screaming at me.
We were back.
The cultist disentangled themself, quickly stepping away from me. I looked up, still dazed, to see why. Frankie Preston had come up behind us, snatching the cart away from the other person and pulling it out of their reach. I immediately scrambled up to wrap my arms around him. "That's them," I breathed. "From the Collective."
"I know," he said tonelessly. His eyes, trained on the blonde, spelled murder. "You should get out of here," he added, addressing them. "The shelves here are rickety, they might fall on you."
The cultist's expression was a frozen mix of suppressed uncertainty and confusion. Still, they held the server's gaze. "You should maybe not… do anything stupid," they uttered, their voice almost equally as flat as his.
"I'm all about stupid."
"Then I guess I ought to leave. See you guys soon. It was a pleasure." They threw us a smile that was faker than Frankie's when he waited tables before marching off, leaving the two of us alone in the aisle.
"Are you alright?" Fran asked, running a hand over my mussed braid. "What happened? I'm so… one minute you were here and the next…"
"We switched dimensions."
"I pieced that together. You weren't gone for long… just a couple minutes." He nervously twisted his wet bubble gum around the tip of his finger, drawing nervous strings.
"Were you worried?"
"Out of my mind," he said in a low voice, not meeting my gaze. "I mean, I knew you'd be okay on your own, I wasn't saying that—"
"I wasn't. I'm not," I interrupted him. "I got out alright, sure I did, but I'm not okay right now." I swallowed. My throat was bone dry. "I need to call Mary Markov. She should hear about this."
Frankie nodded along. "Do you want me to do it for you? I'm certain I can give her an accurate description."
I declined and sat back in the cart. Per my request, Fran brought me home after we'd paid for everything. I needed some time alone to relax and pretend everything was normal. I cleaned my room and then looked through job listings, which I admittedly haven't done in a little while. When I couldn't find any other way to procrastinate, I made the call to Mary Markov, which went about as well as could be expected. She wants to see me tomorrow, though. I wish she'd told me about what. For a newsreader, she's really not very forward with her information.
X
1
2: deadbeat roommate
3: creepy crush
4: relocation
5: beach concert
6: First date
7: Temp work
8: roommate talk
9: a dismal worldview
10: warehouse
11: staircase
12: explanation
13: hurt
14: hospital
15: ocean
16: diner
17: government work
18: something in the caves

I've commented on this one before, and through I'd write it up for easy use:

1. get a hat, jar, bowl or other "holder" you can draw items from without peeking
2. get 40-60 pieces of paper and write down words, phrases and actions the person says or does.
3. put said pieces in the hat
4. Mix well
5. get several pieces of paper and create DIY bingo cards (5x5 grid). The blank square in row 3 of column N should be "free".
6. Pull 24 pieces of paper from the hat and fill in your 24 spaces
7. Return all 24 pieces to the hat
8. Repeat from 4-7 to create as many cards as you need.

Now, as the visit, call, etc. goes on, track your card.
Is this useful? Not really, but it might give you something to do besides drink or cry when MIL is visiting. If you're willing to be confrontational, you can shout BINGO if you win! If you're not willing to be confrontational, you can at least fantasize about shouting BINGO?

Looking for any good quick kava recipes, or maybe even a mixer I can just throw in it rq before I drink. I use the Kalmpouch and a mason jar to make my kava, if that matters recipe wise for the portions. Interested in hearing what you guys use, any information is much appreciated

February 2001: It’s a bright new era for Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. After years of mediocrity and flirts with relegation in the 1990s, a new ownership group is taking over from that cheapskate Alan Sugar. Meet your new overlords in English National Investment Company and your new chairman, Daniel Levy! Its sure to be a great start of a beautiful journey!
May 2001: Finishing 12th is not what you would call ideal. No European football. Not to mention bowing out in the FA Cup Semis and League Cup third round. Enjoy this new manager in Glenn Hoddle.
2001-02 : Sol Campbell signed with our eternal rivals in Arsenal! Levy didn’t offer him a new contract? What?? Doesn’t he know those Gunner clowns can’t be taking our players like that? We also finish 9th but made the League Cup final. It helps having the return of our goal scoring phenom in Teddy Sheringham. Adding Gustavo Poyet helps too. Still no European football.
2002-03: The best way to fight back into the elite is to have more goal scorers right? Welcome Robbie Keane from Leeds United! A crafty piece of business on our end! Him and Sheringham power us to…10th place. The fuck? And third round exits in the Cups…
2003-2004: Glenn Hoddle is underachieving! Get rid of him. David Pleat can surely handle the task at hand. Nope, we finished 14th…and still no trophies. But hey check out our shiny new forward in Jermaine Dafoe.
May 2004: Sol Campbell becomes a key contributor to Arsenal’s Invincibles season and wins the Premier League title. Does it feel cold?
2004-2005: Here’s our new manager in Jacques Santini ~goes 5-4-5~ ok never mind. Here’s our REAL new manager in Martin Jol, much more quality. He’s got the gusto and know-how to guide us to 9th and no trophies. At least Jermaine Defoe was the club top goal scorer…and Ledley King is coming into his own.
May 2005: Our other eternal rivals Chelsea win their first Premier League thanks to that outlandish manager Jose Mourinho and oligarch Roman Abramovich. All they do is buy players whenever they please. Pfft, that won’t be sustainable, they’ll come back to Earth eventually.
2005-06: Martin Jol has been a massive improvement to our fortunes. No trophies yet but we’re back in Europe. It’s good to be back in the UEFA Cup, think of the tv revenue. 5th place is a nice finish. Robbie Keane and newcomer Mido carried us to this spot. We should be keep them around for a while. Bringing in experienced talent like Edgar Davids and this young defensive midfielder in Tom Huddlestone helps. And check out our new record signing in Jermaine Jenas.
2006-07: Michael Carrick is a great defensive midfielder but Manchester United want his services. Here, take him. Edgar Davids is also much too old to be playing Premier League football. Our loss is also our gain with 15 million quid in the books. Let's invest that into a brand-new world class striker in Dimitar Berbatov. And Carrick's replacement in Didier Zokora certainly helps us...but we finish 5th again. No tropies either...at least European football?
2007-08: Jermaine Dafoe and Mido are gone. We need to replace them. Darren Bent seems like a good idea. But who the hell is this young left-back named Gareth Bale? Why is he worth 14 million pounds? Whatever, we need depth, he probably won't be much. Snap up this Jonathan Woodgate guy, too, someone has to help Ledley King here!
Oct 25, 2007: So you sacked Martin Jol at halftime against Getafe because reasons? Maybe if you stopped selling all his good players the division wouldn't have started. The fans are not pleased about this at all. Smooth them over with Juande Ramos from Chelsea.
League Cup Final 2008: All this leads to an 11th place finish, but fear not - YOU WON THE LEAGUE CUP! The first trophy since 1999, a true triumph. Certainly Spurs can aim higher now right?
2008-09: Juande Ramos is a fraudulent piece of shite that doesn't deserve to work in North London. We've promptly canned him for the legend that is Harry Redknapp. Just look at him inspire us to...8th place. We made the League Cup Final broken glass window and we've lost to Manchester United. And sold them Berbatov because money. This is shit. Enjoy this new midfielder signing in Luka Modric. He'd only become one of the best players in the world, nothing too crazy. Oh and Robbie Keane is back. So is Jermaine Defoe! Yay?
2009-10: A full season of Redknapp ball has led to a glorious prize! 4TH PLACE! Tottenham Hotspur will be playing under the lights on Tuesday and Wednesday! Play the music....THE CHAMPPPIONS! All it cost was loaning out Keane, selling Bent, and bringing in Peter Crouch. What a team we have forming. This Aaron Lennon kid is turning into quite the player. Oh and that Gareth Bale kid we paid a premium for? Yea, he's playing left winger now.
2010-2011: Champions League football requires Champions League talent. Quickly, let's eye up cheap deals for Rafael van der Vaardt, Sandro, and William Gallas. The attacking front of Crouch, Bale, Defoe, van der Vaardt, and Roman Pavlyuchenko powered us to 5th. It’s been a tough test balancing these nights. But did you see our massive victories against both Milan teams? I think we'll be back here in no time. Is it really a bad season without winning any trophies?
2011-12: A critical season. Harry Redknapp's contract is set to expire and Daniel Levy hasn't really been known to give coaches pay raises unless they merit it. Unfortunately, Peter Crouch is too old to keep around. Off to Stoke City with you, lad, thanks for that night at the San Siro. Bringing Emmanuel Adebayor from the exile of Manchester City should be a like-for-like swap. It all powers us to finish 4th again! HUZZAH! Another season of Champions League revenues! But still no Cups to take home.
2012 CL Final: Unfortunately, Chelsea did something incredible and won the Champions League in the most chaotic final in recent memory. Thus, for finishing 4th, you get Europa League football...god I hate Chelsea.
2012-13: Gareth Bale is becoming an elite winger without elite help. We've also decided to do something ridiculously unpopular and sell Luka Modric to Real Madrid for huge money. van der Vaardt is also out the door to Hamburg. The revenue brings in Hugo Lloris, Mousa Dembele, Clint Dempsey, and Jan Vertonghen. Under the plucky Andre Villas-Boas we finish 5th and go back to Europa. But our Cup showing was even more abysmal this season. Gareth Bale potted 21 goals...oh god he's next to go isn't he?
2013-14: The worst day has come. Gareth Bale has been sold to Real Madrid. He's joining up with Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo. The money reinvested brings in Christian Eriksen, Erik Lamela, Paulinho, Etienne Capoue, and the meme known as Roberto Saldado. Andre Villas-Boas' tenure was short-lived. Tim Sherwood is a former Spurs lad, surely he can lead us to greatness. If you call 6th place and no trophies greatness.
CL Final 2014: Luka Modric and Gareth Bale become key contributors to Real Madrid's Decima in the Champions League. Bale also scores one of the best goals of the campaign in the Copa Del Rey against Barcelona. The fans are pissed at Daniel Levy and ENIC.
2014-15: We've been knocking on the door of the elite English teams for a few seasons now. Time to put up or shut up. Tim Sherwood, you are not that guy pal. Mauricio Pochettino, welcome to Spurs. Here's the plucky academy kid in Harry Kane. Please get him firing, our striker woes are well-known. You want to sell Gylfi Sigurdsson and Sandro for this League One prospect in Dele Alli? Ok if you say so. Who the hell is Eric Dier and why do you want him? Culminating in a fifth place finish and League Cup final. Harry Kane scored 21 goals though...whoa.
2015-16: Defense needs an upgrade. Let's buy this experienced Belgian in Toby Alderwaiald. Him and Vertonghen played together before, surely it will work. We also need a left winger. How about Hueng-Min Son? He's been torching defenses for Leverkusen, he can surely do it here. The top teams are having a down season, now is the time to strike. We can smell the Premier League title in our grasp.
Final Matchday 2016: They finished third in a two-horse race after Leicester decided to have the greatest sports story ever play out in real life. It seems like a missed opportunity, but there is plenty to build on. Poch's team is coming together. Kyle Walker and Danny Rose are molding into elite fullbacks. The Belgians and Lloris are brick walls. Harry Kane is becoming a world-class striker. He even won the Golden Boot! They just need a little bit more to get over the trophy drought.
2016-17: Ok this is the year. We made it back to the Champions League, but this will be the last year at White Hart Lane. It's much too old for this modernizing football club. We need a really big stadium to bring in that sweet matchday revenue like our rivals. And I'm talking REALLY big, the best in all of England. It would be nice to fill it with some Champions League revenue and some silverware no? Well, seems like we finished 2nd and didn't win any Cups...AGAIN. But hey, Harry won the Golden Boot again! Dele Alli took serious strides in becoming a generational talent. Progress is progress amirite?
Final Matchday 2017: Chelsea win their 4th Premier League title since Abramovich took over. At least you finished above Arsenal again...that's a win isn't it?
2017-18: Kyle Walker has been sold to Manchester City because we like money over glory. Don't worry, we have a solid replacement with Kieran Trippier. We'll use the Walker money to bring a new defender in Davinson Sanchez from Ajax and right winger in Lucas Moura from PSG. Oh and for the hell of it, here's Serge Aurier from PSG too. Glorious depth. We still don't have a reliable backup striker, but how about a cheap deal for the aging legs of Fernando Llorente. He was good in a past life right?
Nov 1, 2017: By God, we've done it. We've slain the evil empire in Real Madrid. It's hard to believe a team of this size and caliber could scar the kings of Europe. Surely the only way is up from here.
March 2018: Nope, the knockout stages pit you up against a thunderous Juventus team that makes you their English bitch. Giorgio Chiellini goes on to make one of the most overused memes in all of football Twitter. "Iz di history of di Tottenham..."
Final Matchday 2018: Respectable 3rd place finish behind Manchester United lads. Too bad no trophies to go with it. Sigh... what else is new? We finished above Arsenal again...yay? Meanwhile, Kyle Walker is part of the Centurion Manchester City team...I need more liquor.
2018-19: Harry Kane is starting to get impatient. He needs to start seeing some silverware soon. Hueng-Min Son is emerging as a top forward in the league. Dele’s dropped off a bit but it’s just a blip, nothing to worry about. Jan and Toby are rock-solid at the back. We have a plucky solid squad, filled with some high-end talent but we didn't get any reinforcements in the summer...what the fuck? You do realize squads transition every season, ENIC? Where's Poch's reinforcements? Why did you sell Mousa Dembele mid-season, he was still useful! Oh dear god, what have they done? Oh that’s right…the new stadium. It’s still not done yet is it?
UCL QFs 2019: This is massive test. We managed to beat Barcelona in the group stage, and cake-walked through Dortmund in the Round of 16 but this is a new beast. We're up against the defending PL champs in Man City. Harry is hurt but we've got Sonny, Lucas, Chrisitan, Dele, and Fernando to make up for his goals. A huge pen save by Hugo on Aguero keeps us in the tie. Son puts us up 1-0 in the first leg. Going to the Etihad without Harry, it's a tight affair. Son and Sterling trading goals, Fernando kneeing in the go-ahead, Bernardo Silva pulling one back, 4-3 Man City, and seeing out the final whistle. Away goals take us over the line. Onto the Semis!
UCL SFs 2019: This Ajax team downed Real Madrid. They're gonna walk all over us. At least in the first leg. The second leg is a masterpiece. Lucas scored not one, not two, but THREE away goals to push us to glory! Gas up the bus boys, WE ARE GOING TO THE UCL FINAL!!!!
UCL Final 2019: What the actual fuck? How was that a handball on Moussa Sissoko??? IT HIT HIS BLOODY SHOULDER! You gifted this match to Liverpool, UEFA! (This is the moment that broke Tottenham Hotspur) And why the hell didn't Lucas start the game? After that fantastic hat trick? I don't care if Kane was fit to play, this is massive managerial blunder. Maybe this is the summer things start to change. All we got for this was a runner-up medal. At least we finished 4th in England. BUT STILL NO MOTHER FUCKING TROPHIES! writer proceeds to smash his laptop in the process
2019-20: The UCL Final should be a springboard for another potential title charge. Poch is calling out ownership for not wanting to give him signings. They only fumbled the Paulo Dybala signing, surely we can still trust Levy and ENIC right? Here's Giovani Lo Celso instead and Tanguy Ndombele to shore up the midfield. Here's our replacement for Danny Rose in Ryan Sessegnon. Unfortunately, Chrisitan Eriksen wants out and we let his contract run down. He leaves in January for basically nothing. Results are starting to flounder so Poch, pack your furniture and get out of our house. Meet our new manager: Jose Mourinho, the Special One. Just nobody tell Daniel he's been sacked infamously by both Chelsea and Manchester United for being a toxic presence. At least the new stadium is ope---ah fuck, it's COVID. An injury-plagued campaign culminates in a 6th place finish, but still no trophies. Another finish over those Gunners though! Why aren't you fans happy? We can't spend money, don't you see we didn't get any matchday revenue???
FA Cup Final 2020: Even though we finished above them, Arsenal take home an FA Cup with a squad arguably much less talented than Spurs. It was also against Chelsea...who finished above you. Can someone drive me to the nearest cliff please?
2020-21: A full season of Mourinho-ball. Tensions are starting to run high. Kane is pissed at the direction we're going. Jan Vertonghen and Kieran Trippier are gone. Dele Alli forgot how to play football under Jose. We need a new center-back...too goddam expensive. Let's convert Eric Dier to CB and have play back there, what's the worst that can happen? Fans aren't happy at all. I know the solution: you kids remember Uncle Gareth?? He's baaaaack! Sure, he's in his early 30s and a shell of himself but he's won 4 UCL titles and scored that fabulous bike kick in 2018. He's still class. Here’s a bunch of mid table players in Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Matt Doherty, and Joe Rodon to supplement the team.
March 2021: Europa League is quite winnable. Surely nothing bad will happen like you losing to a team who's manager is in prison for tax fraud. breaking glass sounds you fumbled a 2-0 agg lead to Dinamo Zagreb...who's manager was in prison for tax fraud. You're fucking pathetic you know that?
April 2021: Jose Mourinho is a dinosaur of English football. Look at him playing park the bus tactics while we can't defend score. Let's get rid of this cancer before it spreads. Who cares if it's six days before the League Cup Final against City? Why can't Ryan Mason see it out?
EFL Cup Final 2021: It's not a blowout loss, but it's clearly an overmatching. City run rampant on Spurs as they lift the trophy they basically own at this point. Fans are calling for Levy's head. In fact, they were calling for it as early as the FA Cup loss to Everton in the fourth round.
Final Matchday 2021: Jose refused to play Gareth Bale. Looking back that was a terrible decision. Bale and Kane power us to a 7th place finish. We finish above Arsenal again. It's a successful season in ENIC's checkbook. And there's still European football to play. Harry Kane wins another Golden Boot and the Golden Ball for most assists. We have to keep him around.
May 2021: Kieran Trippier and Christian Eriksen become key contributors to Atletico Madrid and Inter Milan's respective title wins. In other news, Juan Foyth wins the Europa League with Villarreal while on loan. Does that sound familiar?
CL Final 2021: Chelsea find another way to win another Champions League title, despite sacking a manger midway through the season and having misfiring forwards. And it was against Man City…who we beat every now and then.
2021-22: We need a director of football to help us match up to our rivals better. Fabio Paratici built Juventus in the most dominant club in Italy, surely he can replicate that in England. No we won't hire Paulo Fonseca and his 7 assistant coaches, way too much payroll. And no, you can't hire Gennaro Gattuso for his derogatory comments. Wait, where the hell is Harry Kane? Ahh I see he wants to be sold to Man City. HA! Doesn't he know he just signed an extension? Son has too, so if Harry wants to play hardball let him. Quickly, hire Nuno Espirito Santos as our fail-safe. He's not what we wanted but we fucked up so we're fucked now. Wait, how can we be so critical of ourselves? CHECK OUT THIS GLORIOUS STADIUM!!!!
Nov 2021: Nuno is terrible, he's lost 5 in a row. Who cares if we beat Man City on opening day? Get him out NOW! Get Antonio Conte in. It's another former Chelsea manager to restore our standing in the club.
Final Matchday 2022: HUZZAH! After a turbulent season, losing to wifi-password named clubs in the Conference League then getting kicked out of it for COVID reasons, Conte calling us out in the media multiple times, we galvanized ourselves to a 4th place finish. We're back, and it's thanks to the Juve rejects in Cristian Romero, Dejan Kulusevski, and Rodrigo Bentancur. Son won the Golden Boot, a true testament to his development at Spurs. Back on track. But still...no trophies. Another finish above Arsenal...they should just make a team award for that at this point.
2022-23: A full season of a happier Conte should lead us to silverware. Let’s not dawddle, start making signings. Richarlison always victimized us at Everton, let’s bring him to back up Kane. Yves Bissouma did the same at Brighton and we do need a batter box to box midfielder. Him too. Ivan Perisic on a free for Conte’s wingback. Surely our defense is fine in the hands of Romero, Dier, Clement Lenglet, and Ben Davies. And Djed Spence because reasons.
April 2023: It’s been a terrible season. From having our best start to a season since 1967 to bottling game after game after game. Tepid football, lack of inspiration. Despite small triumphs like winning the Champions League group stage and mugging Manchester City of points again, they have failed miserably again. Son’s form is gone. Richarlison doesn’t know how to score. The defense is wide open. It implodes after giving up 3 goals to a bottom table Southampton after being up 3-0. Conte is furious, criticizes ownership again, and is canned back to Italy. Fabio Paratici was also banned by FIFA for cooking Juve’s books. To make it worse, Arsenal was leading the top of the table and almost won the title. Thank the football gods for Man City and their oil money franchise. That means nothing as the season prolapses, we fall out of European contention, and finish 8th. No manager, no director football, toxic fanbase crying out for changes. I have now developed heavy drinking. "ZE DON'T WANT TO PLAY FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT! 20 YEARS THERE IS THE OWNER AND NEVER WON SOMETHING!"
UEL Semi-Final 2023: Did I mention this gets worse because it does. A couple seasons back, Spurs swapped Erik Lamela and 25 million for promising Spanish youngster Bryan Gil from Sevilla. Gil was never favored by Nuno or Conte, with the Italian basically exiling him from the team unless he had no other choice but to play him. Gil would be loaned back to Sevilla where he assisted Erik Lamela's game-winning goal in stoppage time to book Sevilla a place in the Europa League final. I want to drink bleach...
Twenty-three years of failures and memes, Tottenham look like a lost club. All the shiny toys, but nothing to show for it. Champagne expectations with a beer budget. Does the ownership really value profit that much? Daniel Levy always insists his goal every season is to win a trophy. But how do you do that without attracting top talent? They squandered a window in 2019 and can’t remake the glory. They've made signing after signing that are inconsistent or not at the level to win trophies. It feels like they value cheap deals rather than actual talent. It's killing the club. Kane has been a legend at the club but he’s ready to move on. I don’t blame him, his career is incomplete with some hardware. But the future looks bleak. What will Spurs do next? Will they do a full rebuild and risk the possibility of no European football? Or will they try to win at least one trophy before Kane's contract is up?

Hello! First time pubtips querier, long time lurker. Thank you for any feedback.
Focus question 1: Does this come across as magical realism? I've searched for magical realism queries and encountered next to none to use as reference (if you have any, please send my way!). Therefore, I do not know how much "magic" to include in a query for the genre.
Focus question 2: are Sam's stakes clear enough? I feel my third paragraph is weak.
Disclaimer: This manuscript (as well as the query, I'm sure) is a work in progress. Word count is approximate.
____________________
Samantha Maldonado has the same expiration date as something in her fridge. Even worse, she’s seven months pregnant. After the disastrous relationship that’s developed between her and her fifteen-year-old daughter Abby—and the strain it’s put on Sam’s marriage—Sam’s terrified this pregnancy will all but destroy her family. The fact her due date matches the expiration date on the carton of eggs all but confirms it: she will die in childbirth. Unless—oh, Jesus—it’s a symbolic death, like the one she experienced fifteen years ago when Abby was born. Screw this. Instead of forcing more smiles at the congratulations her friends throw at her, Sam and her husband and Abby are running away. They’re going to see the world. And they’re taking the refrigerator with them.
It’s while the RV’s in Central America (and among people she’ll never see again) that Sam gets the courage to admit her biggest shame out loud—she hates being a parent. Loves Abby endlessly, mind you, despite what their tenuous relationship looks like … but hates motherhood. Taboo to whisper even in developing countries, judging by the reactions. Only 40-year-old Maira—local, unwed, childless, stigmatized as a result—offers anything more than empty promises of things getting better. Sam will miss such a confidante when they move on to their next destination.
But then the RV’s broken into and destroyed, stranding the family in Maira’s remote village. They’re stuck in a place where Sam’s feelings on motherhood have made her someone to be avoided; stuck in a place that’s gotten her husband ill and sent to a far-off hospital; stuck in a place where Sam recognizes she must mend what little she has with Abby before its too late for the entire family. But maybe it already is, because Maira’s been eyeing Sam’s carton of eggs with frightening interest … and the tropical airs threatens what little food is left in a fridge no longer connected to electricity.
BEST IF USED BY (__k) is a standalone magical realism novel. It will appeal to fans of Kirstin Valdez Quade’s The Five Wounds and Kawai Strong Washburn’s Sharks in the Time of Saviors. This would be my debut novel.
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Edit: First ~300 words:
Samantha Maldonado has the same expiration date as something in her refrigerator.
The uncut onions will boast later that they elicited the first tears.
Sam’s on her knees, sobbing into the fridge’s vegetable tray, because neither Abby nor Victor can explain why garlic’s been sitting in here when she’s told them a billion times room temperature only. They may have just killed her early; are they happy now?
It’s not the cheddar cheese—that went bad a week ago, apparently, started molding in the plastic baggy they’ve kept it in. Abby fusses when Victor tries throwing it out. She says she’ll keep it in her room to watch the green dots grow.
It’s not the water. Water doesn’t expire, right? Victor says he doesn’t think so, but Abby points to the typed date on the plastic bottles: 28OCT25. That’s two years from now. Victor says that must be the bottles that expire, not the water because how can water rot, but Sam screams she doesn’t give a shit. If it’s in the fridge, it’s a suspect.
If it’s the milk, she’s dead in two weeks. If it’s the bread, just days. If it’s the goddamn avocado, she’s not making it to the ten o’ clock news.
The kitchen floor’s a disaster now. Victor puts his hands on Sam’s shoulders for comfort, to tell her she’s being silly, but only manages to bump her arm and the mason jar of orange juice slips from her fingers. It’s a pop of pulp. A crescendo of citrus. It’s a shockwave of shrieks and glass. Victor is drenched. Sam slaps his chest, his shoulders, his arms, before hugging herself and weeping in a kneeling fetal position. The pool of orange juice surrounds them both. Abby watches the orange sea expand to corners of the room, channeling through the grout lines between the tiles in cross-shaped tributaries by her feet. She steps back to avoid it.

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