Currently still going strong on not drinking and have surpassed the 50 day mark. However I’m on holiday now for 2 weeks and flew to the Caribbean.
Avoided drinking throughout the airport, on the long haul flight and even avoided the welcome drinks when we got to the hotel!
Managed to order an alcohol free cocktail which was nice but so many people are drinking and it makes me think should I just have 1 beer but then I know it’s not the 1 beer that does the harm, it’s the fact that it opens up so many different doors to drinking! For instance, I have a lot of work events when I get back and the last thing I want to do is start drinking at them!
Does anyone have any guidance on how to deal with the thoughts of 1 beer will be okay? As I know it’s not the 1 beer that will be the problem but the fact that if I’ve started drinking and won’t be able to stop!
My plan is to get to the gym this morning when it opens as that’s just how I like to deal with clearing my head and then I’m going to hit the pool and try and keep reinforcing the fact that I don’t and shouldn’t want to drink!
I appreciate any guidance some of you may have!
Thanks,
IWNDWYT

As said above, I ran the Driver Verifier using the instructions found here, and upon restarting to begin the process, it BSOD crashed every time, with it mentioning the driver verifier found an issue (I forget the actual code, didn't think to screenshot in time). I tried to boot up in Safe mode, but right after the second crash, it went to automatic repair, failed, and then had to system restore.
I ran DISM, sfc scannow, and even ran chkdsk on my OS SSD to ensure it was all good. SFC found something corrupted and fixed that, ran the verifier again to see if that was the issue... and it looped all over again. I do have the minidump files, both look pretty much the same. As I'm getting out of my depth, I figured it would be best to ask assistance at this point. I got WinDbg, read the .dmp files, and I'm stuck at this point with a wall of code. it mentions a couple things I thought were possibly the issue (rsKernelEngine and smss.exe) but both were deep in the system files, and I don't want to mess with those.
The reason I did all this was I started experiencing hard freezing and shutdowns on my pc, on occasion, typically while playing a somewhat intensive game (Warhammer III and Bannerlord were the two games to have had this happen, so far). It'd freeze for a second, then the screen would go mostly black with a few leftover pixels (I could barely make out my money count still there from Warhammer III for a second), and then power off, restart, and everything was fine. Even Event Viewer didn't show anything critical... except for a BugCheck error, which made the computer reboot (no idea how unhealthy this sort of reboot is for my pc).
Event 1001, BugCheck
The computer has rebooted from a bugcheck. The bugcheck was: 0x000000c4 (0x0000000000002000, 0xfffff80ea6ef732a, 0x0000000000000000, 0x0000000072735350). A dump was saved in: C:\Windows\MEMORY.DMP. Report Id: 8b6111f0-596b-4e6b-931e-3392911d9524.
After this, I went down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out what's going on. This PC is getting on in age, and I've put it through some serious gaming punishment lately (I wasn't able to access my PS5 for a few months). I'm hoping this isn't a sign it's failing, but if it is, I want to figure out the extent of the damage, and either mitigate the amount I use the pc to extend it's life (and lay off the more intensive games for awhile), or replace a part if it's something hardware based. I did have temperature issues for awhile, typically caused by Warhammer III, that I'm still in the process of alleviating.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and here's the dump that I'm stuck on. Can anyone make heads or tails of all this?
************* Preparing the environment for Debugger Extensions Gallery repositories **************
ExtensionRepository : Implicit
UseExperimentalFeatureForNugetShare : false
AllowNugetExeUpdate : false
​
- Configuring repositories
-- Repository : LocalInstalled, Enabled: true
-- Repository : UserExtensions, Enabled: true
​
​
************* Waiting for Debugger Extensions Gallery to Initialize **************
.
-- Repository : UserExtensions, Enabled: true, Packages count: 0
-- Repository : LocalInstalled, Enabled: true, Packages count: 36
​
Microsoft (R) Windows Debugger Version 10.0.25324.1001 AMD64
Copyright (c) Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
​
​
Loading Dump File [C:\Users\Volmaaral\Desktop\060923-5156-01.dmp]
Mini Kernel Dump File: Only registers and stack trace are available
​
​
************* Path validation summary **************
Response Time (ms) Location
Deferred srv*
Symbol search path is: srv*
Executable search path is:
Windows 10 Kernel Version 19041 MP (16 procs) Free x64
Product: WinNt, suite: TerminalServer SingleUserTS Personal
Edition build lab: 19041.1.amd64fre.vb_release.191206-1406
Kernel base = 0xfffff802`37a09000 PsLoadedModuleList = 0xfffff802`386332b0
Debug session time: Fri Jun 9 03:12:08.056 2023 (UTC - 4:00)
System Uptime: 0 days 0:00:08.708
Loading Kernel Symbols
...............................................................
................................................................
........
Loading User Symbols
Loading unloaded module list
....
For analysis of this file, run !analyze -v
nt!KeBugCheckEx:
fffff802`37e04ca0 48894c2408 mov qword ptr [rsp+8],rcx ss:0018:ffff9c06`6c9a66e0=00000000000000c4
4: kd> !analyze -v
*******************************************************************************
* *
* Bugcheck Analysis *
* *
*******************************************************************************
​
DRIVER_VERIFIER_DETECTED_VIOLATION (c4)
A device driver attempting to corrupt the system has been caught. This is
because the driver was specified in the registry as being suspect (by the
administrator) and the kernel has enabled substantial checking of this driver.
If the driver attempts to corrupt the system, BugChecks 0xC4, 0xC1 and 0xA will
be among the most commonly seen crashes.
Arguments:
Arg1: 0000000000002000, Code Integrity Issue: The caller specified an executable pool type. (Expected: NonPagedPoolNx)
Arg2: fffff80ea6ef732a, The address in the driver's code where the error was detected.
Arg3: 0000000000000000, Pool Type.
Arg4: 0000000072735350, Pool Tag (if provided).
​
Debugging Details:
------------------
​
​
KEY_VALUES_STRING: 1
​
Key : Analysis.CPU.mSec
Value: 1578
​
Key : Analysis.Elapsed.mSec
Value: 2111
​
Key : Analysis.IO.Other.Mb
Value: 5
​
Key : Analysis.IO.Read.Mb
Value: 0
​
Key : Analysis.IO.Write.Mb
Value: 13
​
Key : Analysis.Init.CPU.mSec
Value: 265
​
Key : Analysis.Init.Elapsed.mSec
Value: 14912
​
Key : Analysis.Memory.CommitPeak.Mb
Value: 85
​
Key : Bugcheck.Code.LegacyAPI
Value: 0xc4
​
Key : Failure.Bucket
Value: 0xc4_2000_VRF_rsKernelEngine!unknown_function
​
Key : Failure.Hash
Value: {67f93c7a-ab68-5260-06c6-e16011a2e4ec}
​
Key : WER.OS.Branch
Value: vb_release
​
Key : WER.OS.Version
Value: 10.0.19041.1
​
​
BUGCHECK_CODE: c4
​
BUGCHECK_P1: 2000
​
BUGCHECK_P2: fffff80ea6ef732a
​
BUGCHECK_P3: 0
​
BUGCHECK_P4: 72735350
​
FILE_IN_CAB: 060923-5156-01.dmp
​
BLACKBOXNTFS: 1 (!blackboxntfs)
​
​
CUSTOMER_CRASH_COUNT: 1
​
PROCESS_NAME: smss.exe
​
STACK_TEXT:
ffff9c06`6c9a66d8 fffff802`383dce44 : 00000000`000000c4 00000000`00002000 fffff80e`a6ef732a 00000000`00000000 : nt!KeBugCheckEx
ffff9c06`6c9a66e0 fffff802`37fa94c5 : fffff802`3861bc90 00000000`00002000 fffff80e`a6ef732a 00000000`00000000 : nt!VerifierBugCheckIfAppropriate+0xe0
ffff9c06`6c9a6720 fffff802`383d3e04 : 00000000`72735350 fffff802`3861bc90 fffff80e`a6ef732a fffff802`3790426f : nt!VfReportIssueWithOptions+0x101
ffff9c06`6c9a6770 fffff802`383e1052 : 00000000`00000000 ffff9d86`5d7598f0 00000000`00000008 ffffb501`95349ae8 : nt!VfCheckPoolType+0x90
ffff9c06`6c9a67b0 fffff80e`a6ef732a : 00000000`00000000 00000000`00000002 ffff9d86`5d96ea01 fffff802`3795c4c2 : nt!VerifierExAllocatePoolWithTag+0x62
ffff9c06`6c9a6800 00000000`00000000 : 00000000`00000002 ffff9d86`5d96ea01 fffff802`3795c4c2 00000000`00060004 : rsKernelEngine+0x732a
​
​
SYMBOL_NAME: rsKernelEngine+732a
​
MODULE_NAME: rsKernelEngine
​
IMAGE_NAME: rsKernelEngine.sys
​
STACK_COMMAND: .cxr; .ecxr ; kb
​
BUCKET_ID_FUNC_OFFSET: 732a
​
FAILURE_BUCKET_ID: 0xc4_2000_VRF_rsKernelEngine!unknown_function
​
OS_VERSION: 10.0.19041.1
​
BUILDLAB_STR: vb_release
​
OSPLATFORM_TYPE: x64
​
OSNAME: Windows 10
​
FAILURE_ID_HASH: {67f93c7a-ab68-5260-06c6-e16011a2e4ec}
​
Followup: MachineOwner
---------
​
4: kd> !blackboxntfs
​
NTFS Blackbox Data
​
0 Slow I/O Timeout Records Found
0 Oplock Break Timeout Records Found

Hi! I'm 24F from Philippines, currently living independently away from the province. I've been struggling with health anxiety features since 2020 but it became much worse last year after a major health issue I encountered. Apologies for the length, but I appreciate your patience. Any comments are much welcome.
TL;DR: I'm a 24-year-old woman living independently, dealing with health anxiety that has worsened after a major health issue last year. I underwent unexpected surgery and a six-month medication for a cancer scare, with physical recovery at 90% but mental struggles persisting. Anxiety triggers my GERD and vice versa, leading to sleepless nights and fear of death. I have dextroscoliosis, hyperacidity, and a recent diagnosis of hiatal hernia. Seeking help for persistent back pain, neck pressure, and nerve tingling, unsure where to start. Considering a neurologist for a brain scan or a psychiatrist for mental health support. Financial difficulties add to the challenges. Open to guidance and recommendations.
Just a background, I already struggle with a couple of conditions through the years:
*have dextroscoliosis since I was 14
*have hyperacidity, recently diagnosed with hiatal hernia (Feb 2023)
Everything went down last August 2022 when I experienced chest pain at work and was rushed to the ER. While my ECG was normal, I was advised to undergo a chest MRI due to my dextroscoliosis. Surprisingly, my spine was found to be stable, but the scan revealed a 4cm mediastinal mass near my thymus gland. Initially suspected as thymoma, a type of cancer, I sought a second opinion and consulted a thoracic cardiovascular surgeon. The TCVS specialist believed it was likely a benign tumor but advised against a direct biopsy due to its delicate location. Consequently, we opted for surgery in September. During the procedure, the tumors were successfully removed, and a frozen section indicated tuberculosis (TB) as the cause. As the remaining cysts were benign, they were also excised. After two weeks of hospitalization, a second biopsy confirmed the tuberculosis diagnosis, and I was referred to the TB program for treatment.
Surprisingly, my TB was almost asymptomatic, with only occasional chest pain as the noticeable symptom. It's alarming to realize that the virus can manifest in such a manner. I have been diligently took my prescribed medication for 6 months but I have struggled with the harsh side effects. The initial two weeks were particularly challenging, as I was recovering from surgery while enduring the medication-induced vomiting, body pain, and fatigue. Additionally, the post-surgery pills caused severe acid reflux. While sputum accompanied by acid was common, I experienced blood in my sputum once, but the doctor reassured me that it was normal. I also experienced excessive hypersalivation for three weeks, likely due to stress and anxiety, but that has subsided after a recent follow-up checkup. Overall, I underwent significant physical, mental, and emotional distress.
In March 2023, I completed my TB medication, but unfortunately, it had a negative impact on my gastrointestinal health. To address my worsening condition, I underwent an endoscopy in February 2023 while still on my TB medication. The results revealed that I have a Level 3 Hiatal Hernia and Non-erosive Gastritis. Fortunately, I tested negative for H. pylori infection and received clearance from Barrett's esophagus, stomach ulcers, and other potential diagnoses. My doctor prescribed Pantoprazole 40mg for 30 days, and since then, I have noticed a significant reduction in acid reflux and heartburn.
It is worth mentioning that during the past seven months, I have been admitted to the emergency room four times due to mistaking severe heartburn for a heart attack. These experiences have heightened my health anxiety to some extent.
Currently, I am no longer taking any medication, but I am facing challenges with persistent back pain, pressure in the upper neck, and nerve tingling. I recently had an X-ray and consulted with my orthopedic specialist, who attributed my symptoms to overwork and recommended starting physical therapy within two weeks.
However, things have worsened since then. Over the past five days, my sleep pattern has been extremely disrupted. I manage to sleep, but it's far from the restful slumber I am accustomed to. On workdays, I am grateful for just three hours of sleep. Last night was particularly difficult as I couldn't sleep at all until 7 AM. I constantly feel a sensation of choking and suffocation, even without any apparent trigger. Although my blood pressure and pulse rate are normal, I can't shake the feeling that I might die the moment I fall asleep.
Sharing this here is incredibly difficult for me, and I humbly request your patience and understanding. I'm breaking down as I type this, to be honest. I am seeking guidance on where to seek help. Should I begin by consulting a neurologist for a brain scan, as I'm unsure if my discomfort and nerve tingling are related to neurological issues? Or would it be more appropriate to start with a psychiatrist? Additionally, I would appreciate any recommendations for reputable institutions or healthcare providers, as I am currently facing financial challenges due to medical expenses incurred last year.
Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I am grateful for your support, and I extend my best wishes to everyone for their well-being and recovery.

Hi! I'm 24F, currently living independently away from the province. I've been struggling with health anxiety features since 2020 but it became much worse last year after a major health issue I encountered. Apologies for the length, but I appreciate your patience. Any comments are much welcome.
TL;DR: I'm a 24-year-old woman living independently, dealing with health anxiety that has worsened after a major health issue last year. I underwent unexpected surgery and a six-month medication for a cancer scare, with physical recovery at 90% but mental struggles persisting. Anxiety triggers my GERD and vice versa, leading to sleepless nights and fear of death. I have dextroscoliosis, hyperacidity, and a recent diagnosis of hiatal hernia. Seeking help for persistent back pain, neck pressure, and nerve tingling, unsure where to start. Considering a neurologist for a brain scan or a psychiatrist for mental health support. Financial difficulties add to the challenges. Open to guidance and recommendations.
Just a background, I already struggle with a couple of conditions through the years: *have dextroscoliosis since I was 14 *have hyperacidity, recently diagnosed with hiatal hernia (Feb 2023)
Everything went down last August 2022 when I experienced chest pain at work and was rushed to the ER. While my ECG was normal, I was advised to undergo a chest MRI due to my dextroscoliosis. Surprisingly, my spine was found to be stable, but the scan revealed a 4cm mediastinal mass near my thymus gland. Initially suspected as thymoma, a type of cancer, I sought a second opinion and consulted a thoracic cardiovascular surgeon. The TCVS specialist believed it was likely a benign tumor but advised against a direct biopsy due to its delicate location. Consequently, we opted for surgery in September. During the procedure, the tumors were successfully removed, and a frozen section indicated tuberculosis (TB) as the cause. As the remaining cysts were benign, they were also excised. After two weeks of hospitalization, a second biopsy confirmed the tuberculosis diagnosis, and I was referred to the TB program for treatment.
Surprisingly, my TB was almost asymptomatic, with only occasional chest pain as the noticeable symptom. It's alarming to realize that the virus can manifest in such a manner. I have been diligently took my prescribed medication for 6 months but I have struggled with the harsh side effects. The initial two weeks were particularly challenging, as I was recovering from surgery while enduring the medication-induced vomiting, body pain, and fatigue. Additionally, the post-surgery pills caused severe acid reflux. While sputum accompanied by acid was common, I experienced blood in my sputum once, but the doctor reassured me that it was normal. I also experienced excessive hypersalivation for three weeks, likely due to stress and anxiety, but that has subsided after a recent follow-up checkup. Overall, I underwent significant physical, mental, and emotional distress.
In March 2023, I completed my TB medication, but unfortunately, it had a negative impact on my gastrointestinal health. To address my worsening condition, I underwent an endoscopy in February 2023 while still on my TB medication. The results revealed that I have a Level 3 Hiatal Hernia and Non-erosive Gastritis. Fortunately, I tested negative for H. pylori infection and received clearance from Barrett's esophagus, stomach ulcers, and other potential diagnoses. My doctor prescribed Pantoprazole 40mg for 30 days, and since then, I have noticed a significant reduction in acid reflux and heartburn.
It is worth mentioning that during the past seven months, I have been admitted to the emergency room four times due to mistaking severe heartburn for a heart attack. These experiences have heightened my health anxiety to some extent.
Currently, I am no longer taking any medication, but I am facing challenges with persistent back pain, pressure in the upper neck, and nerve tingling. I recently had an X-ray and consulted with my orthopedic specialist, who attributed my symptoms to overwork and recommended starting physical therapy within two weeks.
However, things have worsened since then. Over the past five days, my sleep pattern has been extremely disrupted. I manage to sleep, but it's far from the restful slumber I am accustomed to. On workdays, I am grateful for just three hours of sleep. Last night was particularly difficult as I couldn't sleep at all until 7 AM. I constantly feel a sensation of choking and suffocation, even without any apparent trigger. Although my blood pressure and pulse rate are normal, I can't shake the feeling that I might die the moment I fall asleep.
Sharing this here is incredibly difficult for me, and I humbly request your patience and understanding. I'm breaking down as I type this, to be honest. I am seeking guidance on where to seek help. Should I begin by consulting a neurologist for a brain scan, as I'm unsure if my discomfort and nerve tingling are related to neurological issues? Or would it be more appropriate to start with a psychiatrist? Additionally, I would appreciate any recommendations for reputable institutions or healthcare providers, as I am currently facing financial challenges due to medical expenses incurred last year.
Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I am grateful for your support, and I extend my best wishes to everyone for their well-being and recovery.

This is the first post on the sub and is fitting because this is usually the main thing people think of when they think of pharmacoPE. A few things I would like to note.
1.) This is a patent, not a medical study. The information gathered in any of the examples detailed in the patent cannot be verified to be accurate and the methods of measurement and the frequency of patient usage cannot be verified either. For all we know, these cases could be completely made up, but probably are not. Who knows though.
2.) In all the examples, the largest growth occured in those using only prostaglandin E1, and not in combination with potentiators for at least the main portion of their growth. This means that these may be unnecessary or can be used in other ways which will be discussed in further posts
Here are the examples in the patent:
EXAMPLE 1
A male patient, age 41, was treated with intracavernosal injections of a vasodilator, prostaglandin E1, on a regular basis (approximately four to five times per week) over an 18 month treatment period. A sufficient quantity was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement of an erectile response between 40-75% over a period of several hours, generally 3 to 6 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted from time to time in accordance with the patient's response, which was monitored at least weekly.
The size of the patient's fully erect penis increased from 5.8 inches to 8.6 inches in length (about an 48% increase) and 3.7 inches to 5.8 inches in girth (about an 56% increase) over the 18-month treatment period. Following the discontinuation of this treatment, the erect penis length remained stable for two years at over 8½ inches. Treatment was re-institued combining intracavernosal injections 3-4 times per week of a mixture of testosterone (0.5 mg) and vasodilators with low dose oral Potaba (500-1000 mg) 3-4 times per day. After a short treatment period of 2½ months, the patient's erect penis was over 9 inches in length, which means he has gained an additional 0.4-0.5 inches in length (about an 6% increase). The total increase in length was therefore about 3.2 inches (about an 55% increase) in length.
EXAMPLE 2
A male patient, age 30, was treated with intracavernosal injections of the vasodilator on a regular basis (approximately four to five times per week) over a 6-month treatment period. A sufficient quantity was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement over a period of about 3 to 6 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiator potaba (aminobenzoate) (1000 mg/4 times per day) was administered orally to the patient for the last 60 days of treatment.
The patient's erect penis increased from 5.6 inches to 7.7 inches (about an 38% increase) in length and 3.2 inches to 5.3 inches (about an 65% increase) in girth over the 6-month treatment period.
EXAMPLE 3
A male patient, age 52, was treated with separate intracavernosal injections of vasodilators, Papavarine, phentolamine and prostaglandin E1, on a regular basis, selected from treatments of 0 to 4 times per week, over a 7 month treatment period along with daily subcutaneous injections of a prostaglandin F analogue. A sufficient quantity of vasodilator was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement of an erectile response greater than 70% for 3.5-5 hours duration. The quantity of medication was adjusted from time to time in accordance with the patient's response, which was monitored initially weekly then monthly once the patient had mastered the IC technique and the responses were consistently of the same duration.
The size of the patient's fully erect penis increased from 5.0 inches to 6.3 inches in length, i.e. about a 26% increase, over the 7-month treatment period. Following the discontinuation of this treatment, the erect penis length remained stable.
EXAMPLE 4
A male patient, age 34, was treated with intracavernosal injections of a triple mix of the vasodilators Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine on a regular basis (approximately two to five times per week) over a 4-month treatment period. A sufficient-quantity was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement of 60-90% over a period of about 3 to 4.5 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiator, Potaba™—potassium aminobenzoate (1000 mg/3-4 times per day) was administered orally starting 1 month before starting the IC injections of the vasodilators Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine.
After 5 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 6.0 inches to 7.1 inches (about an 18% increase) in length.
EXAMPLE 5
A male patient, age 44, was treated with intracavernosal injections of a quadruple mix of the vasodilators prostaglandin E1, Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine on a regular basis (approximately two to four times per week) over a 4-month treatment period. A sufficient quantity was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement over a period of about 3 to 5 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiator dihydrotestosterone 5% ointment was administered orally starting two weeks before starting the IC injections of the vasodilators Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine and prostaglandin.
After 4 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 5.2 inches to 6.5 inches (about a 25% increase) in length.
EXAMPLE 6
A male patient, age 44, was treated with intracavernosal injections of the vasodilator phentolamine on a regular basis (approximately two to four times per week) over a 4-month treatment period. Phentolamine was frequently combined with indirect vasodilating effects of oral Viagra to produce and maintain a prolonged engorgement of 60-90% over a period of about 3 to 5 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiator dihydrotestosterone gel was administered orally starting two weeks before starting the IC injections of the vasodilators Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine and prostaglandin.
After 4 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 5.2 inches to 6.5 inches (about a 25% increase) in length.
EXAMPLE 7
A male patient, age 72, was treated with intracavernosal injections of the quadruple mix of the vasodilators prostaglandin E1, Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine on a regular basis (approximately two to four times per week) over a 3-month treatment. The indirect vasodilating effects of oral Cialis and Levitra were sometimes added to the quadruple mix of the vasodilators prostaglandin E1, Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine to produce and maintain a prolonged engorgement of 60-85% over a period of about 2.5 to 3 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiators Potaba 1000 mg 4×/day orally and prostaglandin F topically were also used with the vasodilators. After 3 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 6.5 inches to 7.1 inches (about a 9% increase) in length.
EXAMPLE 8
A male patient, age 47, was treated with intracavernosal injections of a triple mix of the vasodilators Atropine, Chlorpromazine and Papavarine on a regular basis (approximately three to four times per week) over a 6-month treatment period. A sufficient quantity was administered to maintain a prolonged engorgement of an erectile response between 60-95% over a period of several hours, generally 3 to 4.5 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted from time to time in accordance with the patient's response, which was monitored initially weekly. After 2 months of treatment subcutaneous injections of testosterone 14-20 mg into the penis were added as an accelerator.
The size of the patient's fully erect penis increased from 5.2 inches to 6.0 inches in length (about a 15% increase) over the 6 month treatment period.
EXAMPLE 9
A male patient, age 52, was treated with intracavernosal injections of the quadruple mix of the vasodilators prostaglandin E1, Atropine, Phentolamine and Papavarine on a regular basis (using IC medications approximately two to four days per week) over a 3-month treatment. Since the maximum duration of the engorgement of the erection from a single dose was only 45 to 80 minutes, the patient used two to three separate IC injects spaced through out the treatment days to achieve a total i.e. cumulative daily duration of 3 to 4 hours. The indirect vasodilating effects of oral Cialis and Levitra were sometimes added to the quadruple mix of the vasodilators prostaglandin E1, Atropine, Chlorpromazine and phentolamine to produce and maintain a prolonged engorgement of 60-85% over a period of about 3 to 4 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The potentiator Potaba 1000 mg 4×/day orally was used with the vasodilator. After 4 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 5.4 inches to 6.1 inches (about al 3% increase) in length and 4.4 to 5.1 inches in circumference (about a 16% increase in circumference).
EXAMPLE 10
A male patient, age 27, was treated with intracavernosal injections of a prostaglandin E1 on a regular basis (approximately two to five times per week) over a 3-month treatment period. Due to a sensitivity to Prostraglandin E1 causing aching and pain at higher doses, the maximum tolerated dose which produced a comfortable erection was only lasting 90 to 120 minutes. The patient used two separate IC injects spaced throughout the treatment days to achieve a total daily cumulative engorgement duration of 3 to 4 hours. The quantity of medication was adjusted in accordance with the patient's response. The 15 mg of the potentiator Dihydrotestosterone was injected subcutaenously into the penis daily throughout the treatment period. After 3 months of treatment the patient's erect penis increased from 6.3 inches to 7.1 inches (about an 13% increase) in length.

Homer Simpson, runway model? You probably don't think of the shlubby Springfield dad as a fashion icon, but Balenciaga, au contraire, believes he belongs at Paris Fashion Week.
The Spanish luxury fashion house tapped The Simpsons patriarch to help debut its spring/summer 2022 collection with a creative 10-minute animated movie featuring characters from the long-running show walking the catwalk in the City of Light. (In Bart's case, "rolling" the catwalk is more like it -- he makes his way down the runway on a skateboard, in jeans and thigh-high boots.)
The presentation is part of Paris Fashion Week 2021, which is largely back in person after a COVID-related break last year that saw designers mostly staging digital presentations and many home-bound fashion fans having trouble imagining life out of sweatpants. Balenciaga held an in-person show this year with a movie premiere theme involving a red carpet. The Simpsons video brings the brand's looks to a wider audience, though as Homer laments in the video, the prices on some items are hardly accessible to all.
Homer, looking sleek in sunglasses and a red puffer jacket with a huge collar, clearly enjoys the attention of elite fashion photographers, while Lisa, in a simple red dress and pearls, is a far more reluctant model ("Walk a runway? It's so superficial," she says).
The coup de catwalk, however, comes when Marge floats down the runway in a floor-length gold gown that really makes her big blue hair pop. A celebrity-packed audience that includes Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Justin Bieber and Vogue Editor in Chief Dame Anna Wintour gives her a standing ovation as La Vie en Rose plays.
Smithers; Moe; and Marge's twin sisters Selma and Patty Bouvier also strut the catwalk in Balenciaga's new line, as does Chief Wiggum, wearing heels and a coat with shoulder pads that aren't typical of Springfield's current police squad. The Simpsons celebrated its 30th anniversary

Original Source: https://boringmoney.in/p/byjus-is-sued-by-its-lenders (my newsletter Boring Money -- please visit the link to subscribe and receive similar posts about finance in India directly in your inbox)
Voiceover on Spotify
--
Four years ago I read an article in The Ken (disclosure: I was later employed here) titled The making of a loan crisis at Byju’s. The gist of the story was that Byju’s was an edtech doing phenomenally well selling its digital courses to parents of young students. But these courses were expensive and these parents were poor. So it was also selling them loans to buy these courses. Only, without telling them. Parents would expect a course (which could be cancelled) but would end up with a loan (which couldn’t be cancelled).
Three days ago, Byju’s went to court in New York. Here’s the headline from TechCrunch: Byju’s sues ‘predatory’ lenders on $1.2B term loan, won’t make further payments.
Byju’s is a company that, arguably, made a business out of giving out predatory loans. Now it’s sued its own lenders and accused them of being predatory. I’m not saying that this is poetic justice but.. okay, scratch that. This is poetic justice! If Shakespeare were a finance writer this is the kind of stuff he would come up with.

Everyone wants to lend to Byju’s

In 2021, interest rates were low, loans were cheap. Tech startups were doing great, edtech startups were crushing it. Byju’s, not one to be left behind, had raised a lot of money but money was cheap so it also wanted to borrow. It wanted a $500 million loan from lenders in the US, which it wanted to use to acquire companies there. Instead, it ended up borrowing more than double—$1.2 billion—because lenders practically wanted to throw money at this overachieving edtech startup from India. [1]
The way a term loan such as this works is:

1. A company goes to an investment bank and asks for a loan
2. The bank syndicates this loan to investors, who become the lenders. Everyone comes together in a room and negotiates the specifics of the loan (which can be quite complex, as we’ll see)
3. The loan goes through and everyone’s happy. Presumably, the company likes its lenders, the lenders like the company
4. The original investors might sell the loans they own to other investors. The company’s only talking to an administrative agent representing the lenders, so over time it might not even know who its lenders are

In November 2021, prominent investment managers such as Blackstone, Fidelity and GIC had gone overboard to lend money to Byju’s. By September 2022, Byju’s lenders were desperately selling [2] their loans at a 36% discount on the principal. (Today, Byju’s debt is at a 20% discount, which is also bad.)
It’s likely that Blackstone, Fidelity and other of the OG lenders aren’t Byju’s’ lenders any more. They’ve almost certainly sold off their loans at a loss. Better get paid something than get paid nothing.
Dealers of the dead
If a company’s debt is being sold at a 36% discount, it’s because investors think that the company is unlikely to repay its loans. If you buy such a loan, you potentially stand to gain a lot—because of the discount—but well, you might also just lose everything.
If you’re a regular investment management company, like Blackstone, you don’t want to invest in such a loan. Your investors gave you this money to get predictable returns. If they wanted risk, they’d ask you to buy stocks. You don’t want to get into a fight with your borrower. If you feel they will not pay you back, you take a loss, sell the loans, move on.
If you’re a distressed debt investor, your entire business is to buy such distressed loans from regular investment managers like Blackstone. You’re going to get nasty borrowers who are unlikely to want to repay their loans but that’s okay. Because you’re nasty too. You spend less time on financial models, more in courts and around lawyers. You like to fight to get your money back. Sometimes you might lose, but the times you win, you win big. The wins cover your losses and some more.
Blackstone and the others sold Byju’s’ loans in desperation, and they were almost certainly bought by distressed debt investors. We don’t know who they are exactly, but Byju’s has indicated that one of them is Redwood Capital, a New York-based distressed debt investor.
If you’re a distressed debt investor, this is how it works:

1. You get a loan for super cheap
2. If the company repays its loan, great! You make a lot of money
3. But the company isn’t likely to repay, which is why you got the loan for cheap in the first place
4. So it’s in your best interest to not let the company die a slow death. Instead, you want to kill the company quick. You take the company to court ASAP and take all the money you’re owed while it’s still there

If the new investors waited, say, for a year, and took Byju’s to court after it had actually defaulted on its repayments—there might not be any money left! Byju’s may have given all the money to Lionel Messi or maybe laundered it away someplace the lenders wouldn’t find it. If you’re a distressed debt investor, you want to get Byju’s to court and get the court to force it to do whatever it takes to pay you back.
Last month, Byju’s’ new lenders sued Byju’s in the Delaware Court of Chancery [3]. We’ll get to the official reasons for this lawsuit in a bit, but what’s important is that Byju’s was not being sued because it defaulted on a payment. It hadn’t. It was being sued because the distressed debt investors expect it to default sooner or later, and they would prefer dealing with it sooner rather than later.

Lenders go for the kill

Usually, the finer details of corporate loans such as Byju’s’ aren’t public. But thanks to the multiple lawsuits we know quite a bit here.
The loan was made to Byju’s’ US entity and it was secured with guarantees from multiple Byju’s companies. From Byju’s’ lawsuit this week against its creditors (which I will get to), here are the guarantors:

1. Byju’s entities in India and Singapore
2. Byju’s’ US and Singapore acquisitions; companies including Oros, Epic, Great Learning, and Neuron
3. Whitehat India, Byju’s’ famous Indian acquisition

That’s a lot of companies guaranteeing a loan! Byju’s’ Indian entity is the parent of all the other guarantor companies, so having it as a guarantor should’ve been enough. I guess the rationale here was that it would be nice to have some non-Indian companies in the mix too, we do know how efficiently Indian courts work.
Apart from Byju’s the parent company itself, Whitehat was the only other Indian company guaranteeing this loan. The problem was that Whitehat itself, on paper, had negative net worth. It had probably taken loans of its own and did not have enough assets to cover them. In practice, this would be irrelevant, because Whitehat was owned by Byju’s and it would cover any of Whitehat’s liabilities. But, apparently, RBI regulations require Indian companies with negative net worth to take its approval before guaranteeing a loan. So even though Whitehat was a guarantor, the guarantee was meaningless until RBI granted its approval.
Yeah, well, RBI didn’t grant its approval. From the lawsuit:

Plaintiffs, Borrower, and Lenders had a call on or around October 6, 2022, to discuss the Whitehat Guarantee. In a good faith effort to negate any impact of the new regulations, Plaintiffs and the Borrower offered to move all assets out of Whitehat India into other subsidiaries of the Parent Guarantor that are Guarantors to the Credit Agreement, or are owned by Guarantors of the Credit Agreement. Lenders rejected this proposal without justification.

In October 2022, after Byju’s’ debt was already sold to the distressed debt investors, the company spoke to its lenders and informed them that it was unable to get RBI’s approval for Whitehat to be a guarantor. Instead, it offered to move Whitehat’s assets into other companies and then use those companies to guarantee the loan. Which would really have been the same thing. But the lenders refused! Why?!
Continuing from the lawsuit:

Lenders subsequently asserted that an event of default under Section 8.1(e) of the Credit Agreement (an “Event of Default”) had occurred due to the failure to procure the Whitehat Guarantee.

Oh, that’s why. Byju’s’ lenders—distressed debt investors that wanted Byju’s dead ASAP—used the fact that Whitehat couldn’t be a guarantor of this loan to claim a default and use it as a reason to take Byju’s to court in the US. Honestly, I’m impressed. The Whitehat guarantee was redundant to begin with, but the lenders had found an out and their official reason #1 to take Byju’s to court.
Oh, there’s another thing. In June 2022, The Ken reported (disclosure: I once worked here) that Byju’s’ financials for 2021 had been held up by its auditors because of certain, umm, creative accounting. By this time, Byju’s should have ideally filed even its 2022 financials. It was very late! From the lawsuit:

The FY’21 Audit was delivered to the Lenders on August 30, 2022. It did not contain a “going concern” qualification or any similar qualifications about the Parent Guarantor’s ability to continue into the future. However, the FY’22 Audit could not begin until the FY’21 Audit had been completed, and the Parent Guarantor’s business has continued to grow rapidly

Byju’s’ 2021 financials were held up because auditors weren’t giving the company their go ahead, so of course its 2022 financials were held up as well.

On or around August 29, 2022, Shearman & Sterling, LLP (“S&S”), counsel for GLAS, sent a letter to Byju’s Alpha and Think & Learn requesting certain financial disclosures from Plaintiffs and Borrower, and asserting that the failure to deliver this financial information was a breach of the Credit Agreement. … Rather than actually suffering any damage from the delayed FY’22 audit, Lenders opportunistically used this unintentional and non-material delay to exert pressure on Plaintiffs and the Borrower to extract onerous economic concessions.

I love it! Byju’s’ financials were delayed. Its agreement with the original lenders said that the company must share its audited financials with them. Byju’s wasn’t able to do that. The lenders found their official reason #2 to take Byju’s to court.

Byju’s sets up a defence

Before the lenders sued Byju’s last month, Byju’s tried its best to negotiate a deal. It gave the lenders an assurance of the company’s financial health, gave them concessions worth “tens of millions of dollars” and requested (pleaded) to take back their claims of Byju’s defaulting.
The lenders refused. They asked for either the full principal back or two-thirds of it, with an increment of 7% (!!) in the interest rate. Byju’s, of course, said no.
At this point, Byju’s knew that the lenders weren’t going to negotiate realistically. So it prepared its own defence. From the lawsuit:

The Credit Agreement prohibits transfers or assignments of the Lenders’ interests in the Term Loans to “Disqualified Lenders.” The Credit Agreement includes in its definition of Disqualified Lender “[a]ny [] Person (including an Affiliate or Approved Fund of a Lender) whose primary activity is the trading or acquisition of distressed debt,” and “those banks, financial institutions and other Persons separately identified by name . . . on or before the syndication . . . (which may be updated . . . from time to time . . .)”

In its agreement with the original lenders, Byju’s had put in a clause restricting its loan from being transferred to distressed debt investors. This is a risky clause to agree with, because it’s only these folks that buy loans that turn sour, but the original lenders had gone with it.

On information and belief, the entire course of Lenders’, and Defendant’s, bad-faith conduct has been driven by these distressed-debt lenders, who were never meant to have been lenders in the first place, and who acted with the intent of causing harm to Borrower and Plaintiffs. Meanwhile, Borrowers and Plaintiffs were initially unaware that the lenders were in fact being controlled by distressed debt dealers, and were therefore unable to take action to prevent their bad-faith plan from being implemented.

In its lawsuit this week, the crux of Byju’s’ argument is based on the fact that its loan is owned by distressed debt investors who were not eligible to be owning its debt in the first place. Also interesting is that Byju’s doesn’t seem to know who these lenders are. In its post-lawsuit statement, Byju’s named Redwood as one of the lenders, but it’s not named anywhere in the lawsuit.

Now what?

If push comes to shove, does Byju’s have the cash to pay off its lenders?
Last month, Byju’s transferred $500 million out of its US entity. The lenders had filed their lawsuit and there was a chance the court would freeze Byju’s’ US entity’s assets, so this was a precautionary move. So Byju’s has this $500 million. But that seems about it. Byju’s has been in the news saying that it’s trying to raise $700 million to pay off its debt. Yeah, between the horrible edtech market and the colourful lawsuits Byju’s is in, good luck with getting investors to donate their money to Byju’s.
But of course, Byju’s is now suing its lenders too. It does have an agreement that says that its debt can’t be held by distressed debt investors. So it’s not a frivolous suit.
Can Byju’s win? Sure. It would still have to pay its debt eventually. And it’s not straightforward. There are probably tens or even hundreds of lenders. It’s apparent that the distressed debt investors are the guiding force behind the lenders’ lawsuit, but it’s definitely not necessary that they form the majority of the lenders. In which case, Byju’s’ whole lawsuit falls apart.
The lenders are saying Byju’s defaulted by not keeping its part of the agreement, even though it had technically paid its dues. [4] Byju’s is saying that the lenders shouldn’t be the lenders in the first place and must be disqualified. We’ll see who’s right.
Footnotes
[1] It was a 5-year loan with a floating interest rate of 6% over Libor. Think of it as 6% over this magical interest-rate called Libor that some fancy-pants banks set amongst themselves everyday. Back in November 2021, Libor was at 0.25% and this was a 6.86% interest loan for Byju’s (the floor for Libor was 0.75%). Today, Libor is at about 5.64% and it’s an 11.6% loan.
[2] Multiple reasons for the investors to sell. One, interest rates went up and cash became more dear. If they had money stuck with Byju’s, it was money not being lent out to someone else. Second, edtech all around the world was in trouble. Kids were back in school and people didn’t think much of them anymore. Third, Byju’s as a company was showing its red flags.
[3] What a cool name!
[4] Until now, that is. Byju’s filed its lawsuit this week the same day it was supposed to make a $40 million interest payment.
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Original Source: https://boringmoney.in/p/byjus-is-sued-by-its-lenders

I’m 17 male , and my cousin is 16 female now , this happened 1 year ago and I’m im worried this will effect me in the future if she opened up about the topic to someone . I used to be incredibly close to my cousin , oh til one day we were sitting next to each other and I don’t know what made me do it , maybe those short as shorts , but I grabbed her as out of nowhere and slapped em , she laughed didn’t take it too seriously, and from that day onwards I couldn’t stop thinking about them .
I couple weeks go by and now every time I see her I get horey as hell , I didn’t know if she was too since girls can hide their seual urges better , but the mood does seem to be different now , until one day came and I did it again but this time she didn’t say anything but instead she leaned in and things escalated quickly .
Now 1 year later , I haven’t talked to my cousin since that incident , im worried that this will end my relationship with my family in the future if someone found out about it since ofc they will see her as the victims since she’s the girl . Does anyone have a similar story as mine?

I am at a complete loss on what to do. I have suffered from OCD since childhood, but experienced a major peak when I was 18. I’ve been on multiple medications since. I usually respond very poorly in terms of side effects.
I got off Lexapro (20mg) in December of 2022 and switched to Venlafaxine (75mg). For some reason, every time I get off a medication I’m in heaven for about a month or so before my withdrawal. Is this normal? I had a really bad withdrawal when February came. I’ve been less functional than when I was on Lexapro but my side effects have alleviated more (possibly the lower dosage).
The issue is, I’ve been travelled abroad for the summer and I am experiencing a major flare up. I can’t believe this is happening. Could it be the low dosage? Can withdrawal happen for multiple months? I had a lot of triggers through traveling, which is why I am usually home bound, but I challenged myself by biting the bullet and now I fear I am facing the consequences. Should I have stayed in my place and just not explored?
I am trying to do ERP but the thoughts keep haunting me. It’s been six years and it’s embedded in my brain. Do you all have tips on how I can distract myself, improve my mood, etc.? Is it possible to get alterations from my meds from abroad? I am desperate for this to go well as I have a friend joining me. All I want is to make memories with them and I am just suffering
Prozac gave me cystic acne, hyperhydrosis, and leaky gut (i’d literally smell like shit because of the fecal matter exiting my body). Lexapro gave me intense bloating (it was painful af) and weight gain (60 pounds). Life became more manageable but I couldn’t stand how I felt and looked.
Venlafaxine feels weak and I have less to work with in terms of ocd alleviation (although I lost 20 of the 60 pounds I gained).
Any comments, support, or advice can help. You all don’t know how desperate I am for this to go away, at least for the next few weeks. I am just a young man who has had years of potential experiences, happiness, and success stolen from him because of this disorder. I just want a pass this one time.
EDIT: I’ve never done drugs in my life (alcohol, weed, etc.), but if it can possible help in the short-term, I’ll give in just to be able to enjoy this time.

Hello, I think I know what the right thing to do is, but as a any sane person, I shall ask the internet :) tl;dr My husband and I have been together for 6 years in total and have been married for 2 years. I am 26, he is 28. let's dive right into it - honestly, I have fallen out of love with him for a while, but have been to scared to do anything about it. The beginning of the relationship was, as I thought, quite beautiful, I was madly in love. But he has shown signs of controlling behaviour since the start - I was his first serious relationship, but he was not mine. He has shown a lot of attitude towards me not being a virgin, a smoker and overweight. I will get into that later.
We met when I lived in a foreign country and got together when I was really depressed and lonely. I did not see it at the time. We were nicely dating and after about 4 months we moved in together. Quick - I know, but the circumstances lead to this. I think I should add some good points about him, because, like I said, I was really in love with him. Our point of views on a lot of things were aligned and it seemed like our goals in life aligned too.
He was always supportive when I had my low moments and would always hold me when I would be crumbling. I remember, I used to say - I am sorry, I'm a bit broken. He would answer - don't worry, I will fix you. (a red flag in retrospect). He is also good at home - does not conform to the "standard" ideals of marriage - woman cooking and cleaning, which I really appreciate. He is also very handy at home, built our fence and terrace with no training, so that's also nice. My family (aunts mostly) love him, so I guess he knows how to put a nice appearance, however, my mom and sister are not so fond of him.
Now a bit about our marriage - since we started dating my weight has always been an issue - honestly I always had issues with it, but I feel like during our relationship I developed an eating disorder. I cannot say, that he caused me to develop it, but he has not been exactly kind about it. Only recently he started watching curvy girls on instagram and telling me I'm a goddess and that he is sorry that he did not see it earlier. He also basically admitted that only now, after 6 years of a relationship, he fell in love with me. So I feel like I've been lied to and lead on for so long and even got married with a person that did not love me.
Other things he abused me about:

• I used to be a smoker, and a couple of years ago started on and off vaping - at first, when I told him, he used to get so mad at me and be cold and not talk to me until I was like grovelling. Then I started hiding it, lying about it and vaping in secret - he caught me a few times and always threatened me with divorce, even took his ring to a pawn shop once (took it back later with money I lent him, not sure if he gave it back, oh well).
• I started studying for a master's degree in another town and kept travelling to the other town a lot and barely staying at home - we have agreed upon this before I started the studies, but by the end he started to guilt me, that I'm not home enough. I mean I get it, he is lonely, but it's not easy for me either.
• Recently I got a job, where I earn almost twice as much money, as he does. I am very picky about my money, and quite stingy about it honestly, I think it comes from never having money in my life, so I am very protective of it. When I got the job, his view was, that we should pool our money and have the "family money", which I was not comfortable with, so I said no. I did say, that we can put in the same amount of money into the shared account and I can put in a little bit more, because I earn more - that is fine. He blamed me for not being invested fully in the relationship and keeping one foot out the door.
• Not sure if it's abuse per say, but I, as any person I think, need attention and compliments. He would never give me any for the first 5 years, rather subtly put me down and pick on me. He has been trying to give me more compliments lately, but I mean should it require effort if you are in love?
• Something that I don't think is abuse but just hurt me deeply - I have been singing my whole life and I am quite proud of my singing. I always used to get compliments about my singing. He never liked it and openly admitted it. I mean it's fine, you cannot decide what you enjoy. It just hurt me, that my closest person does not enjoy my proudest asset.

Don't get me wrong - I know I am not without faults - I yell a lot, I am messy and quite selfish, but I don't think I don't deserve effort and love. The next part is going to be rough and triggering for some people, so stop here if you want and please let me know what you think.
The triggering part here:
About a year ago, my husband discovered wife-sharing and decided he wants to try it. Partially to spice up our life. I initially said no and kept saying no. The biggest problem for me was that he wanted me to meet guys on tinder and take photos/videos of me having sex with them, because it turns him on. I did it once at first, got a short video for him. It always made me feel icky, but I still did it. I texted some more guys and then stopped because it felt just awful. He was not happy, but he was ok to stop. After a few months he kept mentioning it and I agreed to do it again. And I actually got quite into it - my sex life with my husband was boring and I indulged in his fantasy. I actually went to meet a guy and fully had sex with him and took a picture afterwards for my husband so that he would be more included. Right when I left the guy's home, I wanted to call my husband and tell him all about it. Little did I know, he got very upset and mad at me and told me, that a little part of him hoped, that I wouldn't do it. Long story short, I got really upset because this was his idea, almost broke up with him then and there but after a little while he apologised.
We stopped this for a while and went to a New Year's party, where he got drunk and told about our sex life to anyone who would listen, without me hearing, complete strangers to him - some friends to me. Unfortunately I found out about this from my sister a couple of weeks later. When I confronted him about it, he managed to turn it around on me, that I shouldn't care what people think about me. Unfortunately - I do.
Later on he kept nagging me about more guys, I kept saying no. I would like to emphasise, that I said no many times. He can be very persuasive mind you and eventually wore me down saying, that it won't affect his feelings again. I'm sure you can all tell by now, that was not true. I slept with some more guys and actually started to enjoy myself, but since he wanted videos or pictures, I didn't, he was always unhappy and made me feel bad about it. His latest idea was that he would arrange it all and invite a guy to our home. and he did. He watched a little and of course, like he said, kinda stopped loving me.
That same week (yesterday) I went back to the town where my studies are and we had a big fight over messages. He said, if I want to meet anyone here, then I would have to take pictures or videos for him and I said no, I would rather not meet anyone. But let me remind you, that I already started enjoying it. He said, well, I kinda got my fill already, I think we should stop. I was willing to stop, but just wanted to point out the hypocrisy of stopping when he didn't want it and he got upset about me pushing back. It triggered something in me and I told him we should separate or get a divorce. He said, that I want to separate only to fuck around. I said ok, if you think so - divorce then. He said fine by me.
After this very long monologue - I hope I don't get too much criticism, but I do expect some. What do you think - if he tries to stay together - should I stay?

So last July 2022 i was caught cheating and i was immediately taken back, only for her to not trust in me anymore and kicked me out in November for a break. She then tried to move on from me but kept coming back until January she fully committed to coming back. Even though she came back she became extremely avoidant and we would constantly go back and forth because i would get extremely anxious and wanted to be there for her. But she turned a lot of things down such as dates or outings and put her head in books,school, and friends so it was getting pretty difficult for me especially since we would end up seeing each other only once a month. She would never tell me when she felt down from the cheating and instead just ignore me for hours and that would always make me feel anxious and insecure. Anyways, she finally agreed to see me consistently in May and we did that for 2 weeks, it was her birthday month so i got her a gift and we celebrated her bday twice and i would bring her a coffee every morning before school up until she went on a birthday trip for the last two weeks of may. But when she came back she lost all respect for me and didn’t want to talk at all because she didn’t “know what i did” during her trip and took it out on me because of the cheating i did 10 months ago. So she avoided me but spent time with friends and that frustrated me so much because i was excited to see her. So i decided to let go, and she was okay with that saying thank you for everything and saying sorry for being selfish. I thought it was going to be ending in good terms until i activated my Instagram again and she had a problem, she was very insecure dming girls if i slept with them and made me block girls so ultimately i decided to delete my Instagram and Snapchat. So when i got it back she was upset thinking I’ll be getting friends back and i asked her do you want to talk about us instead of that because i loved her i didn’t immediately wanted to find anyone new and still don’t, so it didn’t seem necessary when i was pulling away but she still didn’t want to talk about that but instead she said “not today” like she has been since the break. So i got upset and blocked her, but i feel like my emotions got the best of me and we just both needed to detach from our old relationship for a bit so i unblocked her from Instagram. But now, i see that I’m blocked everywhere but Twitter because she doesn’t know my account. My question is do you guys think the relationship is worth saving since it feels like she’s been giving up? I feel like it’s a little weak of me reaching out through Twitter because it’s a last resort but idk it’s been a month since i blocked her.

Hello Guys
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I know, SSD Read/Write cache is bad... i know that ... now
But our Syno was up from 2014 until now and for the last past month, not a lot of access.
We have to stop it, move it and restart it... but something goes wrong, but nut fully wrong. Let me explain.
Syno is a 2415+
​
After restart, The Synology start to complain about volume1 ...
​
We got a storage pool with 6 HDD (SHR) + 1 spare and, of course SSD Cache in w mode ...
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Got an error : Storage Pool 1 : Warning Suggestion : SSD Cache 1 on Volume 1 has crashed. Your data may be corrupted.... 

SSD :

SSD Cache 1 : Status : Crashed. Synchronisation incomplete. Data on the target volume may be damaged. SSD cache mode : Read-write cache RAID type RAID 1 (with data protection) 

mdadm for every dev is like that :
/dev/md0:

Raid Level : raid1 Array Size : 2490176 (2.37 GiB 2.55 GB) Used Dev Size : 2490176 (2.37 GiB 2.55 GB) Raid Devices : 12 Total Devices : 9 Preferred Minor : 0 Persistence : Superblock is persistent Update Time : Thu Jun 8 16:55:47 2023 State : clean, degraded Number Major Minor RaidDevice State 0 8 113 0 active sync /dev/sdh1 1 8 145 1 active sync /dev/sdj1 2 8 97 2 active sync /dev/sdg1 3 8 129 3 active sync /dev/sdi1 4 8 33 4 active sync /dev/sdc1 5 8 161 5 active sync /dev/sdk1 6 8 177 6 active sync /dev/sdl1 7 8 81 7 active sync /dev/sdf1 8 8 65 8 active sync /dev/sde1 

/dev/md1:

Raid Level : raid1 Array Size : 2097088 (2047.94 MiB 2147.42 MB) Used Dev Size : 2097088 (2047.94 MiB 2147.42 MB) Raid Devices : 12 Total Devices : 9 Preferred Minor : 1 Persistence : Superblock is persistent Update Time : Thu Jun 8 16:36:52 2023 State : clean, degraded Number Major Minor RaidDevice State 0 8 114 0 active sync /dev/sdh2 1 8 146 1 active sync /dev/sdj2 2 8 98 2 active sync /dev/sdg2 3 8 130 3 active sync /dev/sdi2 4 8 34 4 active sync /dev/sdc2 5 8 162 5 active sync /dev/sdk2 6 8 178 6 active sync /dev/sdl2 7 8 82 7 active sync /dev/sdf2 8 8 66 8 active sync /dev/sde2 

/dev/md2:

Raid Level : raid6 Array Size : 15608749056 (14885.66 GiB 15983.36 GB) 14To Used Dev Size : 3902187264 (3721.42 GiB 3995.84 GB) Raid Devices : 6 Total Devices : 6 Persistence : Superblock is persistent Update Time : Thu Jun 8 16:37:04 2023 State : clean Active Devices : 6 Working Devices : 6 Number Major Minor RaidDevice State 0 8 101 0 active sync /dev/sdg5 1 8 133 1 active sync /dev/sdi5 6 8 149 2 active sync /dev/sdj5 3 8 165 3 active sync /dev/sdk5 4 8 181 4 active sync /dev/sdl5 5 8 117 5 active sync /dev/sdh5 

/dev/md3:

Raid Level : raid1 Array Size : 117216128 (111.79 GiB 120.03 GB) Used Dev Size : 117216128 (111.79 GiB 120.03 GB) Raid Devices : 2 Total Devices : 2 Persistence : Superblock is persistent Update Time : Thu Jun 8 16:37:01 2023 State : clean Active Devices : 2 Working Devices : 2 Number Major Minor RaidDevice State 3 8 1 0 active sync /dev/sda1 2 8 17 1 active sync /dev/sdb1 

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With that Syno don't want to repair the SSD cache nor mount the volume.
BUT, and yeas, i'm lucky, i can mout manually the 14To volume with a simple mount -r ro /dev/mappevg1000-lv /tmp and access to my data. Yeah !
And start copying the most important data to a spare disk.
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So, my volume is pretty intact, what i can see is some files get io error, but that was not important file
what i can see in the log (/valog/message):

raid1: Disk failure on sde1, disabling device. raid1: Disk failure on sde2, disabling device. raid1: Disk failure on sdf1, disabling device. raid1: Disk failure on sdf2, disabling device. 

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So ok, when the crash occur, there was some data on the SSD cache, the sync with the raid array was not properly done (/md0 and /md1)
​
I've open a ticket on the synology account, but i'm pretty sure they will take forever to answer.
I will not be able to get all my data, because i have a raid of 14To and only a single 7To disk to backup essential data. That i know lucky enough. Thinking buying another one to backup the rest... or not.
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I was concern if anyone in this forum was able to rebuild, correct, restore, disable ans so on the SSD cache to let space remount it. (With command line of course)
Thanks for your feedback

Truth be told, I am closeted for one too many reasons. I known who I was since high school, I am now close to 24 years old and with every year I turn since I was 16, I look back and wish I had the courage to take the step many had taken before me but I just can’t and I don’t think I ever will, and it’s sad.
Many of my reasons are out of selfishness, but selfishness is a strong emotion. The biggest one is biological children, with many children needing of a loving family I feel a sort of guilt for wanting this, and withholding my transition because of it, I know that cryopreservation is possible and I could look into it for prices but I don’t know how expensive it could be over time.
Another reason is my status, as a person of foreign origins in the country I live. I am not fully safe from being deported to my country of origin which trans people aren’t well receive.
Family is a big one too, I have thoughts of transitioning in secret, not tell anyone but I guess that in a year or two some big changes to my physical appearance can be a tell. My dad remarried, and within his new wife extend family, there is someone who is openly trans, and I interact almost weekly with them and nobody seems to respect their new name or even pronouns. In my mom’s side everyone is some form of Christian and since my culture is very family focus I interact with my cousins in a regular and are like brothers and sisters to me, some of them are open minded while a few would make a big deal out of it, and losing them can be hard.
I catch myself buying clothes, and looking at the other sections wishing I had the body to buy those clothes, imagining myself wearing them and thinking there is a version of me in the multiverse that was born in the right body and is living my dreams. If shopping in group, I just suggest to my friends the clothes I want, so they buy it instead, feeling jealousy of them, which is honestly so fuck up of me but I can’t help it.
And in the topic of friends, honestly I only have 1 real good friend and she is open minded asf so I know if I came out she would have question, potentially be taken out but I know she would come around it. I have drop a lot of hints, sending them transition videos of people.
I’m also don’t like my body now, and I don’t think hormones alone will change alot of the aspects that I don’t like, and high key I’m broke and surgeries are expensive specially some with my living conditions.
I’m thinking this year might be it, I want to take the step but it’s a long one, and while I want to just jump into it, at the same time there is all this holding me back. Like a dog tied to a tree, I can walk freely within my allow perimeter but once I try to go farther, I just get yeet back, to the allowed zone.

So last July 2022 i was caught cheating and i was immediately taken back, only for her to not trust in me anymore and kicked me out in November for a break. She then tried to move on from me but kept coming back until January she fully committed to coming back. Even though she came back she became extremely avoidant and we would constantly go back and forth because i would get extremely anxious and wanted to be there for her. But she turned a lot of things down such as dates or outings and put her head in books,school, and friends so it was getting pretty difficult for me especially since we would end up seeing each other only once a month. She would never tell me when she felt down from the cheating and instead just ignore me for hours and that would always make me feel anxious and insecure. Anyways, she finally agreed to see me consistently in May and we did that for 2 weeks, it was her birthday month so i got her a gift and we celebrated her bday twice and i would bring her a coffee every morning before school up until she went on a birthday trip for the last two weeks of may. But when she came back she lost all respect for me and didn’t want to talk at all because she didn’t “know what i did” during her trip and took it out on me because of the cheating i did 10 months ago. So she avoided me but spent time with friends and that frustrated me so much because i was excited to see her. So i decided to let go, and she was okay with that saying thank you for everything and saying sorry for being selfish. I thought it was going to be ending in good terms until i activated my Instagram again and she had a problem, she was very insecure dming girls if i slept with them and made me block girls so ultimately i decided to delete my Instagram and Snapchat. So when i got it back she was upset thinking I’ll be getting friends back and i asked her do you want to talk about us instead of that because i loved her i didn’t immediately wanted to find anyone new and still don’t, so it didn’t seem necessary when i was pulling away but she still didn’t want to talk about that but instead she said “not today” like she has been since the break. So i got upset and blocked her, but i feel like my emotions got the best of me and we just both needed to detach from our old relationship for a bit so i unblocked her from Instagram. But now, i see that I’m blocked everywhere but Twitter because she doesn’t know my account. Should i reach out for a conversation or should i just drop it? I feel like it’s a little weak of me reaching out through Twitter because it’s a last resort but idk it’s been a month since i blocked her.